December 9, 2007
Lord, we are SO blessed to have YOU and SO many people on our side-praying and uplifting us. Friday esp! The meeting of the boys went so well!!! Kayden wanted Chad to hold him within seconds of walking through the door! Jayden sat in my lap and we read. Such adorable boys! God, I can't fathom the love You have for me to open a door exactly what I've always wished for! 2 boys! You have provided hope, shared love freely, listened to my prayers. You keep blessing though we lose site of You. Friday you were there Jesus. Oh my how You came through in a mighty way. I am special!!! Life isn't fair but you give me abundance- things only for me ---whoa!!! Thank You Christ Jesus, father of life. Thank You for mending hearts during our loss and hopelessness. I love You God of all. You are so dear and just amazing! May my heart never lose this!
Our Friday night meeting the boys went overwhelmingly well. The foster parents had us over for dinner where we got to see into the boys lives. The second we left Chad and I turned into little school girls-laughing, screaming, and talking a mile a minute. We wanted to turn the car around that minute and take them home!!!
Thursday, April 30, 2009
My heart, our life, God's plan. part 15
When you want something so bad and have little control over obtaining said something pity parties are inevitable. Or at least in my case. Once Chad and I felt ready to take kids again I wanted them now! On December 2, 2007, after a great trip that consisted of running a 5k and roller skating with friends I had a big ole pity party. I was so heart broken after what seemed like a lifetime of hoping...
December 3, 2007
I called, you answered and You came to my rescue and I want to be where You are.
Please forgive me Lord for my breakdown last night Jesus. I sounded ungrateful when that is not true! You heard my heart and brought such hope with the call about Jayden and Kayden. Jesus, I just pray Your hand and Your will be completely in control with this situation.
December 3, 2007 I woke to a phone ringing. It was early for a phone call- around 7:30. I was especially surprised to hear our case worker on the other line. Elaine had called to ask us about two little boys named Jayden and Kayden. They were brothers ages 2 and 3. With no health concerns. Rights had been terminated. It was so unrealistic. Biological brothers so young with rights terminated and good health.
We learned about Jayden and Kayden the day after we decided we would take Skylar. We didn't know they were looking for an adoptive home so Chad and I decided it best to not take on 3 kids under the age of 3. I later would ache for not taking them sooner...
Chad and I were able to find a lot of information out from the foster mom that the boys had been with for 11 months. She had her hands full with a 6 year old mentally challenged child and said "if I were 10 years younger I would take them in a heartbeat."
A meeting to see if the 4 of us "meshed" was set up on December 7, 2007.
December 3, 2007
I called, you answered and You came to my rescue and I want to be where You are.
Please forgive me Lord for my breakdown last night Jesus. I sounded ungrateful when that is not true! You heard my heart and brought such hope with the call about Jayden and Kayden. Jesus, I just pray Your hand and Your will be completely in control with this situation.
December 3, 2007 I woke to a phone ringing. It was early for a phone call- around 7:30. I was especially surprised to hear our case worker on the other line. Elaine had called to ask us about two little boys named Jayden and Kayden. They were brothers ages 2 and 3. With no health concerns. Rights had been terminated. It was so unrealistic. Biological brothers so young with rights terminated and good health.
We learned about Jayden and Kayden the day after we decided we would take Skylar. We didn't know they were looking for an adoptive home so Chad and I decided it best to not take on 3 kids under the age of 3. I later would ache for not taking them sooner...
Chad and I were able to find a lot of information out from the foster mom that the boys had been with for 11 months. She had her hands full with a 6 year old mentally challenged child and said "if I were 10 years younger I would take them in a heartbeat."
A meeting to see if the 4 of us "meshed" was set up on December 7, 2007.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
My heart, our life, God's plan. part 14
November 29, 2007
I feel like I'm not doing anything with my life. I was going to have a baby, play mommy, have a connection with other women, I truly want what You have for me but it is so hard sometimes. Lord I feel lost. With no dreams, no future. Nothing to hope for. I feel numb and shallow Jesus.
Do most people walk in a state of such confusion and inner turmoil? Do You want me working? Will the pain of not having a child ever go away? Will I ever stop faking myself out, convincing myself I am pregnant?
Mothers don't do it on purpose- at least the ones I know don't. But there is very much an unspoken "club" when you become a mother. I had more social opportunities when I had Skylar. Once she was gone I found myself out of the "clubs" territory.
I struggled with my purpose, just as I had before the call to adopt. I worried that one day Chad would change his mind about me staying home and think less of me (a fear I now see stirred from the divorce of my parents). Satan didn't want me to grab hold of the truth- that my value comes from being a daughter of the Almighty and NOT anything else.
I feel like I'm not doing anything with my life. I was going to have a baby, play mommy, have a connection with other women, I truly want what You have for me but it is so hard sometimes. Lord I feel lost. With no dreams, no future. Nothing to hope for. I feel numb and shallow Jesus.
Do most people walk in a state of such confusion and inner turmoil? Do You want me working? Will the pain of not having a child ever go away? Will I ever stop faking myself out, convincing myself I am pregnant?
Mothers don't do it on purpose- at least the ones I know don't. But there is very much an unspoken "club" when you become a mother. I had more social opportunities when I had Skylar. Once she was gone I found myself out of the "clubs" territory.
I struggled with my purpose, just as I had before the call to adopt. I worried that one day Chad would change his mind about me staying home and think less of me (a fear I now see stirred from the divorce of my parents). Satan didn't want me to grab hold of the truth- that my value comes from being a daughter of the Almighty and NOT anything else.
My heart, our life, God's plan. part 13
November 06, 2007
With all of the craziness over the past few months Chad and I have been unsure of our next step with kids. We prayed and talked a million different ways about the subject. I just wasn't ready. On Wednesday, October 31, 2007, I went to bible study. During small group we discussed obedience. As I heard the others talk God and I had a conversation:
me: God, we just don't know what to do
God: I told you what to do back in February
me: But the pain from Skylar...
God: and aren't I mending you heart?
me: okay,yes you have, I will follow you.
Chad picked me up for lunch that day and as I got in he had me read a note from his time with God that morning{as he had been praying faithfully for God to put us on the same page in regards to children}. It said 'Your struggle probably is not with running from God but with knowing exactly where He is wanting you. Keep praying, keep listening, and do faithfully the things you do know.' As I shared my encounter with Chad we realized the answer was always there and we know that God will take care of us.
We contacted our case worker to start the process again.
Trusting the Lord.
With all of the craziness over the past few months Chad and I have been unsure of our next step with kids. We prayed and talked a million different ways about the subject. I just wasn't ready. On Wednesday, October 31, 2007, I went to bible study. During small group we discussed obedience. As I heard the others talk God and I had a conversation:
me: God, we just don't know what to do
God: I told you what to do back in February
me: But the pain from Skylar...
God: and aren't I mending you heart?
me: okay,yes you have, I will follow you.
Chad picked me up for lunch that day and as I got in he had me read a note from his time with God that morning{as he had been praying faithfully for God to put us on the same page in regards to children}. It said 'Your struggle probably is not with running from God but with knowing exactly where He is wanting you. Keep praying, keep listening, and do faithfully the things you do know.' As I shared my encounter with Chad we realized the answer was always there and we know that God will take care of us.
We contacted our case worker to start the process again.
Trusting the Lord.
My heart, our life, God's plan. part 12
October 7, 2007
Lord, I am worn out. Fall on me Jesus and bring rest and peace- physically, emotionally, and spiritually... Mend our heart Jesus.
October 15, 2007
Lord, I place my future, my trust, and my hope in You. Trials bring perseverance and character Lord. I believe Your word and trust You to prevail! Thank You for rest Lord. May today GLORIFY YOUR KINGDOM CHRIST JESUS!
During this time I was going through a bible study that said "Who you are in the fire is the truth of who you are." I can't say I've always handled situations with grace, but I have never doubted God's joy in watching Chad and I during all of this. We longed to be like Job, to keep our hearts on the Kingdom even amongst great trials.
Chad was ready for children before I was. My heart just wasn't ready. I was timid to open my heart again. I knew I wanted to be as open with the next child as I was with Skylar. Parenting them as though they were mine, loving them with an open heart but I just wasn't sure I was capable.
Lord, I am worn out. Fall on me Jesus and bring rest and peace- physically, emotionally, and spiritually... Mend our heart Jesus.
October 15, 2007
Lord, I place my future, my trust, and my hope in You. Trials bring perseverance and character Lord. I believe Your word and trust You to prevail! Thank You for rest Lord. May today GLORIFY YOUR KINGDOM CHRIST JESUS!
During this time I was going through a bible study that said "Who you are in the fire is the truth of who you are." I can't say I've always handled situations with grace, but I have never doubted God's joy in watching Chad and I during all of this. We longed to be like Job, to keep our hearts on the Kingdom even amongst great trials.
Chad was ready for children before I was. My heart just wasn't ready. I was timid to open my heart again. I knew I wanted to be as open with the next child as I was with Skylar. Parenting them as though they were mine, loving them with an open heart but I just wasn't sure I was capable.
My heart, our life, God's plan. part 11
Blessed be your name In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow Blessed be your name
Blessed be your name When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness Blessed be your name
Every blessing you pour out,I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be your glorious name
Blessed be your name When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be Blessed be your name
Blessed be your name On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering Blessed be your name
Every blessing you pour out,I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be your glorious name
You give and take away You give and take away
My heart will choose to say Lord, Blessed be your name
What is worse that in these situations I feel the dad gets even less care. Chad was hurting too, having to make it through work. Carrying the weight of a loss of a child and a grieving wife.
The beauty of this all??? Our Heavenly Father never left us. If I've ever felt Abba's care it was during those weeks. He NEVER left Chad and I. We clung to the word. This song (above) carried me through everything. We were determined to keep our hearts toward the kingdom, and although there was frustration with earthly people I believe we brought glory to God during our grievances.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
My heart, our life, God's plan. part 10
August 1, 2007
As I finished reading Deuteronomy I can't help but think how heart breaking it must have been for Moses not to go into the promised land. To only see it from afar. To be called to a task and it not finish the way you hoped or thought it would. Lord, make me like Moses- his eyes were on You, always seeing the bigger picture or trusting You to!
I see now that this was a prophetic word from the Lord. Words to spur me on. He knew exactly when I would finish with the book of Deuteronomy and what I would gain from the completed task. I also see that my prayer was a seed that He would soon harvest. In the weeks to come God would allow us to see faint red flags waiving. God granted His all knowing wisdom and discernment and guided us to the right people, the right questions. The case workers involved continued to tell us that rights would be moving towards termination. Our guts seemed to believe the transporters reports. In the end, she was the one to give accurate reports. Skylar's family was meeting all the requirements to allow Skylar back in their home. The state is always for family reunification and trusts its case workers to thoroughly do their job. The information on Skylar had not been updated in roughly 10 months so what we'd been told was accurate for 10 months prior. Somehow that detail had not been shared. So when the transporter told me on September 5, 2007 that a weekend visit would happen (which usually is a "test run" before permanent placement) the following week we knew it would come and it would come quickly.
September 5, 2007 from Skylar's journal
Our prayers will always be with you. May your soul find Jesus. May your influence reach generations of old and new for the glory and kingdom of Jesus Christ.
She brought us tissue when our tears wouldn't stop. It breaks my heart to think that she knew the cycle all too well. Well enough to know what the tears meant. Skylar seemed to sense the change that was coming. She began acting out more, fighting being left alone, less hungry, fighting sleep more than normal. The last week she slept behind her door or sometimes in front of our closed bedroom door.
September 14, 2007 from Skylar's journal
You left for your weekend visit today. It is hard watching you play knowing your world is about to completely change again. I wish I could keep consistency in your life...
I will never ever forget that our dear friends Mike and Aimee dropped anything they had going on to go camping with us that weekend Skylar went for the visit. It was wonderful to be distracted and nestled in the heart and safety of dear friends. If I never told you both thank you, know forever you helped protect my heart that weekend.
No matter the battles, I was Skylar's momma for a season God felt suitable. I parented her until the minute she left on September 19, 2007 around 10am.
As I finished reading Deuteronomy I can't help but think how heart breaking it must have been for Moses not to go into the promised land. To only see it from afar. To be called to a task and it not finish the way you hoped or thought it would. Lord, make me like Moses- his eyes were on You, always seeing the bigger picture or trusting You to!
I see now that this was a prophetic word from the Lord. Words to spur me on. He knew exactly when I would finish with the book of Deuteronomy and what I would gain from the completed task. I also see that my prayer was a seed that He would soon harvest. In the weeks to come God would allow us to see faint red flags waiving. God granted His all knowing wisdom and discernment and guided us to the right people, the right questions. The case workers involved continued to tell us that rights would be moving towards termination. Our guts seemed to believe the transporters reports. In the end, she was the one to give accurate reports. Skylar's family was meeting all the requirements to allow Skylar back in their home. The state is always for family reunification and trusts its case workers to thoroughly do their job. The information on Skylar had not been updated in roughly 10 months so what we'd been told was accurate for 10 months prior. Somehow that detail had not been shared. So when the transporter told me on September 5, 2007 that a weekend visit would happen (which usually is a "test run" before permanent placement) the following week we knew it would come and it would come quickly.
September 5, 2007 from Skylar's journal
Our prayers will always be with you. May your soul find Jesus. May your influence reach generations of old and new for the glory and kingdom of Jesus Christ.
She brought us tissue when our tears wouldn't stop. It breaks my heart to think that she knew the cycle all too well. Well enough to know what the tears meant. Skylar seemed to sense the change that was coming. She began acting out more, fighting being left alone, less hungry, fighting sleep more than normal. The last week she slept behind her door or sometimes in front of our closed bedroom door.
September 14, 2007 from Skylar's journal
You left for your weekend visit today. It is hard watching you play knowing your world is about to completely change again. I wish I could keep consistency in your life...
I will never ever forget that our dear friends Mike and Aimee dropped anything they had going on to go camping with us that weekend Skylar went for the visit. It was wonderful to be distracted and nestled in the heart and safety of dear friends. If I never told you both thank you, know forever you helped protect my heart that weekend.
No matter the battles, I was Skylar's momma for a season God felt suitable. I parented her until the minute she left on September 19, 2007 around 10am.
My heart, our life, God's plan. part 9
August 1, 2007 from Skylar's journal
Today started your in house evaluation for speech therapy. You are so well mannered and respond so great- I want to squeeze you!
August 4, 2007 from Skylar's journal
Today is your BIG day! Your shower is today! You wore a dress from Mamaw (Keri's g-ma). It was white and green gingham with pink ribbon on it. I LOVE this dress! You took a little while to warm up but I let you have a lick of icing which did the trick! Aunt Crista got you an orange balloon to play with and you never let it go. You ate off of everyone's plate and made sure to steal sausage balls (my favorite) off of daddy and I's plates! As we opened gifts you made your way back to the cake where Uncle Joey caught you sticking your fingers in the icing just like I taught you (opps!). You aren't used to that much sugar, it got you wound up! We were so blessed by the outpouring of blessings from everyone!!!
August 5-7, 2007 from Skylar's journal
We went with daddy to a work conference. We left at 5am which meant you were up for the day. We traveled with another family that has 2 girls ages 6 and 9. You were very interested in them. Once we got there we attempted to nap and then headed to the pool. It had a beach area you preferred as you don't like being in water that is higher than your waist. We went to a family night and roasted marshmallows which you loved! I dowsed you in sunscreen! Being around the girls has increased your babbling-yay!
August 8, 2007 from Skylar's journal
You don't like your big girl bed... We've had you a month and can't imagine life without you!
August 14, 2007 from Skylar's journal
Took you swimming, your lips were turning purple so we took you out, despite your arguments!
The month of August was much more enjoyable. We started to find our groove with Skylar and adapt to one another. It was still hard but peace was more evident despite the challenges we faced.
Today started your in house evaluation for speech therapy. You are so well mannered and respond so great- I want to squeeze you!
August 4, 2007 from Skylar's journal
Today is your BIG day! Your shower is today! You wore a dress from Mamaw (Keri's g-ma). It was white and green gingham with pink ribbon on it. I LOVE this dress! You took a little while to warm up but I let you have a lick of icing which did the trick! Aunt Crista got you an orange balloon to play with and you never let it go. You ate off of everyone's plate and made sure to steal sausage balls (my favorite) off of daddy and I's plates! As we opened gifts you made your way back to the cake where Uncle Joey caught you sticking your fingers in the icing just like I taught you (opps!). You aren't used to that much sugar, it got you wound up! We were so blessed by the outpouring of blessings from everyone!!!
August 5-7, 2007 from Skylar's journal
We went with daddy to a work conference. We left at 5am which meant you were up for the day. We traveled with another family that has 2 girls ages 6 and 9. You were very interested in them. Once we got there we attempted to nap and then headed to the pool. It had a beach area you preferred as you don't like being in water that is higher than your waist. We went to a family night and roasted marshmallows which you loved! I dowsed you in sunscreen! Being around the girls has increased your babbling-yay!
August 8, 2007 from Skylar's journal
You don't like your big girl bed... We've had you a month and can't imagine life without you!
August 14, 2007 from Skylar's journal
Took you swimming, your lips were turning purple so we took you out, despite your arguments!
The month of August was much more enjoyable. We started to find our groove with Skylar and adapt to one another. It was still hard but peace was more evident despite the challenges we faced.
My heart, our life, God's plan. part 8
July 20, 2007
Today is Skylar's first trip to visit her biological family. This is hard.
When we were told about Skylar, Chad and I were told that parental rights had not been terminated but it looked highly probable. Because rights were not terminated Skylar by law was to have a weekly visit with her biological family. As we were introduced to taking her we were informed that her family had not been showing up for the weekly visits. They occurred Friday's from about 9am to 2 pm.
Chad and I soon learned from the transporter that not only were Skylar's parents coming to the visits but also her grandparents. And because of the positive strides Skylar's family had been making they were allowed "off campus" visits. This means that trips to McDonald's were frequent and unchaperoned. Skylar would come back with soda in her sippy cup along with several toys. Chad and I were being her disciplinarians while her weekly visits consisted of fun, food, and freedom.
Week after week Skylar would come back grumpy and not using her words or signs. It would take half the weekend for us to get back in our groove. She was a very timid little girl and rightfully so. She'd been in more homes than Chad had ever lived in at 26.
Today is Skylar's first trip to visit her biological family. This is hard.
When we were told about Skylar, Chad and I were told that parental rights had not been terminated but it looked highly probable. Because rights were not terminated Skylar by law was to have a weekly visit with her biological family. As we were introduced to taking her we were informed that her family had not been showing up for the weekly visits. They occurred Friday's from about 9am to 2 pm.
Chad and I soon learned from the transporter that not only were Skylar's parents coming to the visits but also her grandparents. And because of the positive strides Skylar's family had been making they were allowed "off campus" visits. This means that trips to McDonald's were frequent and unchaperoned. Skylar would come back with soda in her sippy cup along with several toys. Chad and I were being her disciplinarians while her weekly visits consisted of fun, food, and freedom.
Week after week Skylar would come back grumpy and not using her words or signs. It would take half the weekend for us to get back in our groove. She was a very timid little girl and rightfully so. She'd been in more homes than Chad had ever lived in at 26.
My heart, our life, God's plan. part 7
As I read 10 weeks worth of writing I see the struggle. The battle that I was fighting. The lies the enemy was working so hard to prove as truth. I see the fear being planted. I see so much of my confidence being destroyed. A grievance comes over me as I review my heart and ache for how much God must ache when we can't see through the murky water. My heart longed to be joyous in an outwardly joyful season, daily I pleaded with God to break what satan told me was selfishness. I struggle now with how to show you the true story, I long for God to be heard in this story...
July 18, 2007
Be Lord over all of us in this house. Keep Skylar's best interest at heart. Father help me be a great mom-guide me in this process... Family is either checked out or asking "why" when we limit visits with Skylar. I don't want to withhold her Lord, but we are still working on a connection... Jesus, why won't Skylar sleep? God, I want to run away. I am so scared. I feel suffocated. Lord I need you and don't feel like I have time to find you. My heart is so heavy. I don't like who I am.
July 19, 2007
Jesus, I trust You know what You are doing, but I am clueless! Sleeping, teaching-where do I begin? I deel alone but want to be left alone in the same moment. Lord, can I do this forever? Am I cut out for this? I am so overwhelmed and scared. Jesus I need you! Please create in me what you desire. I don't like who I am at times. FATHER MAKE ME AND MOLD ME INTO YOUR DELIGHT JESUS! Consume me. Lighten my heart Lord. Keep Chad and I strong in marriage. I don't like sharing him and I need You to keep us thriving.
It was hard to discern the new tricks satan was using on us. I really questioned if I were supposed to be a mom. Had I heard God wrong? I became very angry and the enemy told me that was the real Keri. That rage was the kind of mom I would be. I couldn't control her and I would never be able to break the longing for control.
July 18, 2007
Be Lord over all of us in this house. Keep Skylar's best interest at heart. Father help me be a great mom-guide me in this process... Family is either checked out or asking "why" when we limit visits with Skylar. I don't want to withhold her Lord, but we are still working on a connection... Jesus, why won't Skylar sleep? God, I want to run away. I am so scared. I feel suffocated. Lord I need you and don't feel like I have time to find you. My heart is so heavy. I don't like who I am.
July 19, 2007
Jesus, I trust You know what You are doing, but I am clueless! Sleeping, teaching-where do I begin? I deel alone but want to be left alone in the same moment. Lord, can I do this forever? Am I cut out for this? I am so overwhelmed and scared. Jesus I need you! Please create in me what you desire. I don't like who I am at times. FATHER MAKE ME AND MOLD ME INTO YOUR DELIGHT JESUS! Consume me. Lighten my heart Lord. Keep Chad and I strong in marriage. I don't like sharing him and I need You to keep us thriving.
It was hard to discern the new tricks satan was using on us. I really questioned if I were supposed to be a mom. Had I heard God wrong? I became very angry and the enemy told me that was the real Keri. That rage was the kind of mom I would be. I couldn't control her and I would never be able to break the longing for control.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
My heart, our life, God's plan. part 6
Skylar came to us on July 13, 2007 around 1:00 pm. She looked just like what I'd assumed- strawberry blond hair, blue eyes, fair skin. The case worker who was assigned to Skylar left within 10 minutes of dropping her. Skylar was very timid. God gave us the wisdom to play with her in her room for hours that first day. I believe that helped her feel comfortable enough to rest there later. She wasn't really talking (using 3 words: dada, momma, and okay) so I started teaching the signs for words. In the beginning if she were hungry she would go and sit at the table. The girl never napped. Much more comfortable with men than women.
I can't say I know what it feels like to birth a child. I don't know what it is like on your body, I can't understand what happens to your emotions. I cannot comprehend what it feels like to bring an infant home. I was always fearful I'd be that new mom that didn't connect with my baby. Remember, I have the benefit of writing this after the fact, but I can tell you that my fears came true when meeting Skylar. Even in the beginning I see now I was disappointed and satan used that to promote guilt and shame.
July 15, 2007
Lord I want what you have in store for me. I am so scared and afraid. Pour down your peace, remove any guilt. I want to be used. Send me Your love and comfort Jesus. May I discern the enemies lies and NOT believe them. Jesus, please consume the panic I have when I remember we have a child. Help me to not overlook the blessing.
I can't say I know what it feels like to birth a child. I don't know what it is like on your body, I can't understand what happens to your emotions. I cannot comprehend what it feels like to bring an infant home. I was always fearful I'd be that new mom that didn't connect with my baby. Remember, I have the benefit of writing this after the fact, but I can tell you that my fears came true when meeting Skylar. Even in the beginning I see now I was disappointed and satan used that to promote guilt and shame.
July 15, 2007
Lord I want what you have in store for me. I am so scared and afraid. Pour down your peace, remove any guilt. I want to be used. Send me Your love and comfort Jesus. May I discern the enemies lies and NOT believe them. Jesus, please consume the panic I have when I remember we have a child. Help me to not overlook the blessing.
My heart, our life, God's plan. part 5
Before I start part 5 I want to thank my dear sister in law, Crista, for always blessing me with beautiful journals. Without your kind heart I would not have something so beautiful to interact with God in. When I think of you friend my heart swells. (Too bad I can't seem to say this in person!)
I want to add also that we had many more confirmations along the way, one being that Chad and I were able to get into a training session last minute to get our foster/adoption certification. They were trying out a new faith based training that made the usual 12 week training session only 4 weeks. Also 2 weeks before a cruise Chad and I had scheduled just in case it were our "last" vacation without kids we were able to get everything complete for our certification. 5/25/07 for fingerprints (that usually take weeks to get, we learned later that cps got them the same day), 5/29/07 fire inspection, 6/4/07 cpr/first aid certification, 6/6/07 home inspection. our homestudy was completed while we were cruising on 6/19/07!
June 27, 2007
Yesterday, June 26, 2007 at around 3:30 pm Chad received a call from cps with a child for us. Her name is Skylar Faith. She is 2 years old, Caucasian. Not up for adoption, but it looks very favorable. Throughout the day I'd been working on names and addresses for Diana/shower info... After talking it over we decided to "sleep on it." Not taking Skylar never crossed my mind. I just wanted to spend some time in prayer and review with Chad. He was on the same page as I was with no reluctance and great peace. I will be calling Elaine to schedule the delivery! For months I've feared this moment. Thinking my desire for a family had dissolved but as I read Chad's message my heart skipped a beat! I became shaky, disoriented, and began to cry. Thank God He answers prayers, He makes dreams come true- even dreams so buried you think you've lost them! Thank you Jesus, you are so amazing, all knowing, giver, taker, fulfiller, incredible! Joyful, fun, playful, wise, strong, gentle, my everything! Wow God you are so good!
June 28, 2007
Lord, your timing is good and perfect. I completely trust You to bring us a child on your schedule. When we re ready and Skylar is ready YOU will join us together.
I want to add also that we had many more confirmations along the way, one being that Chad and I were able to get into a training session last minute to get our foster/adoption certification. They were trying out a new faith based training that made the usual 12 week training session only 4 weeks. Also 2 weeks before a cruise Chad and I had scheduled just in case it were our "last" vacation without kids we were able to get everything complete for our certification. 5/25/07 for fingerprints (that usually take weeks to get, we learned later that cps got them the same day), 5/29/07 fire inspection, 6/4/07 cpr/first aid certification, 6/6/07 home inspection. our homestudy was completed while we were cruising on 6/19/07!
June 27, 2007
Yesterday, June 26, 2007 at around 3:30 pm Chad received a call from cps with a child for us. Her name is Skylar Faith. She is 2 years old, Caucasian. Not up for adoption, but it looks very favorable. Throughout the day I'd been working on names and addresses for Diana/shower info... After talking it over we decided to "sleep on it." Not taking Skylar never crossed my mind. I just wanted to spend some time in prayer and review with Chad. He was on the same page as I was with no reluctance and great peace. I will be calling Elaine to schedule the delivery! For months I've feared this moment. Thinking my desire for a family had dissolved but as I read Chad's message my heart skipped a beat! I became shaky, disoriented, and began to cry. Thank God He answers prayers, He makes dreams come true- even dreams so buried you think you've lost them! Thank you Jesus, you are so amazing, all knowing, giver, taker, fulfiller, incredible! Joyful, fun, playful, wise, strong, gentle, my everything! Wow God you are so good!
June 28, 2007
Lord, your timing is good and perfect. I completely trust You to bring us a child on your schedule. When we re ready and Skylar is ready YOU will join us together.
My heart, our life, God's plan. part 4
exerts from my journal
March 7, 2007
Father, please direct us with the adoption stuff. Lord, what specifications should we put down, if any? I am so anxious to get this process going! I CAN'T WAIT TO BE OBEDIENT TO YOUR CALLING!
March 28, 2007
I long to be obedient. I long to know and hear Your voice frequently. Lord if I were choosing, I would ask for a Hispanic or Caucasian boy age 18 months. Lord you know what we need though and I trust Your judgment over anyone else including mine.
April 4, 2007
Lord prepare our hearts for the child you have for us. May Thursday (cps orientation) be informative and action based. I am ready to get this thing moving but trust YOUR time more than anything else!
April 17, 2007
Lord the outpouring of love and support for the adoption stuff is amazing! Seriously, You are spectacular!
April 30, 2007
Jesus thank you for Your grace! Thank you for growing and teaching me and my trust/belief in You! Grace Chad and I with Your wisdom with the adoption stuff as we get one step closer to it all being real tonight with training.
May 16, 2007
Lord, I could really use Your stabilization of emotions. Jesus, I am not sure what is causing the uncertainty of not wanting children. is it fear?
Fear of: loss of "me time"; sharing Chad; 1 more person to care for; forever
commitment; letting go of dreams; will be defined by kids; making our parents
mistakes; unclean house; having to be the bad parent; loss of freedom; LIFETIME
COMMITMENT
if I were to have gotten pregnant I wouldn't have a choice, now I have to chose to want a baby and I guess I am scared Lord. Jesus, I hand my fears and expectations, my anticipation and apprehension over to You Lord God. --being attacked in a new way--
March 7, 2007
Father, please direct us with the adoption stuff. Lord, what specifications should we put down, if any? I am so anxious to get this process going! I CAN'T WAIT TO BE OBEDIENT TO YOUR CALLING!
March 28, 2007
I long to be obedient. I long to know and hear Your voice frequently. Lord if I were choosing, I would ask for a Hispanic or Caucasian boy age 18 months. Lord you know what we need though and I trust Your judgment over anyone else including mine.
April 4, 2007
Lord prepare our hearts for the child you have for us. May Thursday (cps orientation) be informative and action based. I am ready to get this thing moving but trust YOUR time more than anything else!
April 17, 2007
Lord the outpouring of love and support for the adoption stuff is amazing! Seriously, You are spectacular!
April 30, 2007
Jesus thank you for Your grace! Thank you for growing and teaching me and my trust/belief in You! Grace Chad and I with Your wisdom with the adoption stuff as we get one step closer to it all being real tonight with training.
May 16, 2007
Lord, I could really use Your stabilization of emotions. Jesus, I am not sure what is causing the uncertainty of not wanting children. is it fear?
Fear of: loss of "me time"; sharing Chad; 1 more person to care for; forever
commitment; letting go of dreams; will be defined by kids; making our parents
mistakes; unclean house; having to be the bad parent; loss of freedom; LIFETIME
COMMITMENT
if I were to have gotten pregnant I wouldn't have a choice, now I have to chose to want a baby and I guess I am scared Lord. Jesus, I hand my fears and expectations, my anticipation and apprehension over to You Lord God. --being attacked in a new way--
My heart, our life, God's plan. part 3
exert from my journal on February 28, 2007
Lord, You have called us to take care of orphans. Today I heard your voice so clearly say "adopt." It was so audible that I looked around the living room! I said "excuse me?" And you again said "you need to adopt." Lord, I want to be in Your will so terribly. Father, please guide us. Open doors. I am afraid of what kind of kid you will give us. Though I am fearful I trust you completely. Jesus, I trust you. Please begin guiding Chad and I. May our path be mirrored of Yours! ***NO FEAR CAN CONQUER YOU LORD JESUS!
later that day I am so afraid I heard wrong Lord. Did I make this up? I mean this will change our lives forever. Is this coming from my desire to control or from You? Lord, please, please give me confirmation. Jesus Christ I only want to be in Your will.
This happened on a Wednesday morning. Out of the blue as I sat down for my morning coffee. I immediately called Chad. Unbeknown to me Chad also began asking the Lord for confirmation. I think it is easiest to list out the confirmations we received within 24 hours of hearing God's call.
1. While at Wednesday night church I asked the Lord to remove the back pain as a confirmation I heard Him. He removed the pain.
2. There was open prayer that night at church and we headed towards the front but it was extremely crowded so we moved to the ministers in the back. Chad and I landed with Randy. At that moment I was unsettled emotionally, overwhelmed with tears. Randy told us he had already been praying for us and as I poured out my heart about what I had heard and was now doubting he told us it was not a coincidence that we came to him as he was adopted!
3. As we prayed Alex, a friend from lifegroup approached us. Chad had emailed him because we thought he worked in Fostercare. Chad and I'd already talked in the previous months that if we were to ever adopt it would have to be called by God as it wasn't in our hearts and we wanted to go through the foster system as we were so blessed to have helped our dog Skip after he'd been in a beaten shelter. (God uses the funniest things sometimes!). Alex indeed worked for CPS and knew the ins and outs of everything within the system. (for those not putting it together, we had someone to walk us through a complicated system)
4. Because I am Mrs. Efficient pants we had already inquired and recieved the fostercare paperwork and kept it (the keeping part is the confirmation).
Chad and I were able to have dinner with Alex and his wife to answer all of our questions. What a blessing that was! A touch of God's plan had been shared and it brought joy along with fear. Hope shared with nerves! We made the choice to obey. Our paperwork would be sent in the very next day. Thursday March 1, 2007.
Lord, You have called us to take care of orphans. Today I heard your voice so clearly say "adopt." It was so audible that I looked around the living room! I said "excuse me?" And you again said "you need to adopt." Lord, I want to be in Your will so terribly. Father, please guide us. Open doors. I am afraid of what kind of kid you will give us. Though I am fearful I trust you completely. Jesus, I trust you. Please begin guiding Chad and I. May our path be mirrored of Yours! ***NO FEAR CAN CONQUER YOU LORD JESUS!
later that day I am so afraid I heard wrong Lord. Did I make this up? I mean this will change our lives forever. Is this coming from my desire to control or from You? Lord, please, please give me confirmation. Jesus Christ I only want to be in Your will.
This happened on a Wednesday morning. Out of the blue as I sat down for my morning coffee. I immediately called Chad. Unbeknown to me Chad also began asking the Lord for confirmation. I think it is easiest to list out the confirmations we received within 24 hours of hearing God's call.
1. While at Wednesday night church I asked the Lord to remove the back pain as a confirmation I heard Him. He removed the pain.
2. There was open prayer that night at church and we headed towards the front but it was extremely crowded so we moved to the ministers in the back. Chad and I landed with Randy. At that moment I was unsettled emotionally, overwhelmed with tears. Randy told us he had already been praying for us and as I poured out my heart about what I had heard and was now doubting he told us it was not a coincidence that we came to him as he was adopted!
3. As we prayed Alex, a friend from lifegroup approached us. Chad had emailed him because we thought he worked in Fostercare. Chad and I'd already talked in the previous months that if we were to ever adopt it would have to be called by God as it wasn't in our hearts and we wanted to go through the foster system as we were so blessed to have helped our dog Skip after he'd been in a beaten shelter. (God uses the funniest things sometimes!). Alex indeed worked for CPS and knew the ins and outs of everything within the system. (for those not putting it together, we had someone to walk us through a complicated system)
4. Because I am Mrs. Efficient pants we had already inquired and recieved the fostercare paperwork and kept it (the keeping part is the confirmation).
Chad and I were able to have dinner with Alex and his wife to answer all of our questions. What a blessing that was! A touch of God's plan had been shared and it brought joy along with fear. Hope shared with nerves! We made the choice to obey. Our paperwork would be sent in the very next day. Thursday March 1, 2007.
My heart, our life, God's plan. part 2
Exert from my journal on January 21, 2007
Lord, it hurts. I don't want to play You anymore anywhere in my life. I really don't want to be here Father. I want to crawl back in bed and cry. I don't want to be vulnerable...
Not much for Chad and I has come "easy" per say. I have to fight the desire for life to be fair. Learning that God's best doesn't mean He takes something from ME to give to someone else hasn't set in easily. I am on this side of the journey I write about and it still is tricky learning that! So as I clung to wanting so badly to be faithful, joyful, and trusting during our "trying" times (pun intended) I also fought the flesh. As I watched others around me get pregnant I knew they desired it, but I felt I'd longed for it longer, much harder. I thought that this was going to be my one "easy" thing. The thing I didn't have to fight for, one thing God would just give me. Even as I type I don't ever feel like it was an entitlement I thought I was owed, rather it shows how naive I was on how God blesses.
When God called us back to Abilene it was an opportunity for Chad to go back to an industry he loved, get us out of DFW which wasn't really a lifestyle that either one of us enjoyed, and would put us financially where we needed to be (not totally off a budget but comfortable) for me to stay home. We made the move. We moved on our 5th wedding anniversary, May 26 2006.
For those of you who have longed for a baby you know the heartache that comes when it doesn't happen. I psyched myself up thinking I was pregnant month after month. I longed to persevere with a joyful heart but felt in such great despair. It was hard to hear friends worry about telling me they were pregnant for fear of hurting me. What was worse was how much it did hurt but less out of jealousy and more out of God breaking my desire for control. Try as you might getting yourself pregnant is impossible, it has to be within the Almighty's plan. People would tell us we were "trying too hard" or how we should take our temperature or just let it happen. Can I advise everyone in the world to stop saying that junk. It doesn't make us feel better. It is okay to say nothing.
I can't count the times my day was crushed from seeing only one line on a pregnancy test. How many tears fought back as I smiled my way through a baby shower. The emotions were raw, Chad and I were so fragile. It was a lonely time in our lives. My parents were dealing with their divorce while Chad's parents were dealing with his moms cancer. Chad and I felt abandoned and unloved. God gave us such a passion for children but we felt He wasn't coming through on His end of the bargain. Jeremiah 29:11 reads "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Chad and I had a choice. Choose pity, darkness, heartbreak. Lose hope. Allow anger to set in. OR choose to dig deeper in God's word. Hold to the promises He so clearly gives. Trust in Him. We all have a choice in life. The question is what will we do when the junk comes. It is coming friends. That is why it is so important to plow through and plant the seeds. God will harvest seeds even if the only place He has to work with is a landfield.
Our choice? We began speaking scripture over our lives. Living and speaking as though what had not come into existence would, had. An exert from my journal on February 20, 2007 reads: "I believe Chad and I will have children. My hope is in you Lord. Psalm 20:4 says 'May he give you the desires of your heart and make all your plans succeed.' I trust the Lord knows my heart and its desires and He does not tease me."
Lord, it hurts. I don't want to play You anymore anywhere in my life. I really don't want to be here Father. I want to crawl back in bed and cry. I don't want to be vulnerable...
Not much for Chad and I has come "easy" per say. I have to fight the desire for life to be fair. Learning that God's best doesn't mean He takes something from ME to give to someone else hasn't set in easily. I am on this side of the journey I write about and it still is tricky learning that! So as I clung to wanting so badly to be faithful, joyful, and trusting during our "trying" times (pun intended) I also fought the flesh. As I watched others around me get pregnant I knew they desired it, but I felt I'd longed for it longer, much harder. I thought that this was going to be my one "easy" thing. The thing I didn't have to fight for, one thing God would just give me. Even as I type I don't ever feel like it was an entitlement I thought I was owed, rather it shows how naive I was on how God blesses.
When God called us back to Abilene it was an opportunity for Chad to go back to an industry he loved, get us out of DFW which wasn't really a lifestyle that either one of us enjoyed, and would put us financially where we needed to be (not totally off a budget but comfortable) for me to stay home. We made the move. We moved on our 5th wedding anniversary, May 26 2006.
For those of you who have longed for a baby you know the heartache that comes when it doesn't happen. I psyched myself up thinking I was pregnant month after month. I longed to persevere with a joyful heart but felt in such great despair. It was hard to hear friends worry about telling me they were pregnant for fear of hurting me. What was worse was how much it did hurt but less out of jealousy and more out of God breaking my desire for control. Try as you might getting yourself pregnant is impossible, it has to be within the Almighty's plan. People would tell us we were "trying too hard" or how we should take our temperature or just let it happen. Can I advise everyone in the world to stop saying that junk. It doesn't make us feel better. It is okay to say nothing.
I can't count the times my day was crushed from seeing only one line on a pregnancy test. How many tears fought back as I smiled my way through a baby shower. The emotions were raw, Chad and I were so fragile. It was a lonely time in our lives. My parents were dealing with their divorce while Chad's parents were dealing with his moms cancer. Chad and I felt abandoned and unloved. God gave us such a passion for children but we felt He wasn't coming through on His end of the bargain. Jeremiah 29:11 reads "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Chad and I had a choice. Choose pity, darkness, heartbreak. Lose hope. Allow anger to set in. OR choose to dig deeper in God's word. Hold to the promises He so clearly gives. Trust in Him. We all have a choice in life. The question is what will we do when the junk comes. It is coming friends. That is why it is so important to plow through and plant the seeds. God will harvest seeds even if the only place He has to work with is a landfield.
Our choice? We began speaking scripture over our lives. Living and speaking as though what had not come into existence would, had. An exert from my journal on February 20, 2007 reads: "I believe Chad and I will have children. My hope is in you Lord. Psalm 20:4 says 'May he give you the desires of your heart and make all your plans succeed.' I trust the Lord knows my heart and its desires and He does not tease me."
My heart, our life, God's plan. part 1
exert from my journal January 31, 2007
I've heard Your voice as early as 12 at church camp "you need to be baptized." Speak to me about starting a family Lord. It's Your heart that I crave.
After some prodding and pushing from a few VIP's in my life I am going to share a piece of our lives that while we've been open about but haven't gone into major detail. I'll start from the beginning and work my way through it...
I am uncertain of when the idea of having children was birthed in me. Growing up I remember my dad saying how important it is to have the mom stay at home. Also while growing up I wanted to be a business woman that had some very important job, wore suits (brown of course), and most importantly lived independently. I never moved past that dream onto where a husband or a family might fit in. I guess it was falling for Chad that changed my dreams. I'd always been interested in boys, but never before had I wanted to toss everything aside to tend to a boy. I'd been the one wanting the tending too. In March of 2000 while sitting on Chad's lap after dancing with my sorority formal I heard God whisper "take care of this one." Looking back it wasn't just a warning for me to not go smooching other boys, but it was God showing me what would bring me the most joy in life and delight Jesus most.
Even while I finished school and started my "career" my heart was so unsettled. At first guilt took over but I soon learned that I was not lazy I just longed to be taking care of Chad and making a home. Along the way my heart would melt as I saw Chad interact with children and before I knew it I ached for babies. It was a long journey for Chad and I. From the time we met we agreed with what my dad had said and wanted me to be home raising our kids. We decided we would hold off on our desires until things worked out financially . People say not to wait until you have enough money as you never will, but when talking to two math nerds that run numbers in their sleep it had to make budget sense on paper especially if it meant me not working. The years I spent working literally hurt. I worked at a good attitude, but all the while my spirit felt out of line with its calling.
I've heard Your voice as early as 12 at church camp "you need to be baptized." Speak to me about starting a family Lord. It's Your heart that I crave.
After some prodding and pushing from a few VIP's in my life I am going to share a piece of our lives that while we've been open about but haven't gone into major detail. I'll start from the beginning and work my way through it...
I am uncertain of when the idea of having children was birthed in me. Growing up I remember my dad saying how important it is to have the mom stay at home. Also while growing up I wanted to be a business woman that had some very important job, wore suits (brown of course), and most importantly lived independently. I never moved past that dream onto where a husband or a family might fit in. I guess it was falling for Chad that changed my dreams. I'd always been interested in boys, but never before had I wanted to toss everything aside to tend to a boy. I'd been the one wanting the tending too. In March of 2000 while sitting on Chad's lap after dancing with my sorority formal I heard God whisper "take care of this one." Looking back it wasn't just a warning for me to not go smooching other boys, but it was God showing me what would bring me the most joy in life and delight Jesus most.
Even while I finished school and started my "career" my heart was so unsettled. At first guilt took over but I soon learned that I was not lazy I just longed to be taking care of Chad and making a home. Along the way my heart would melt as I saw Chad interact with children and before I knew it I ached for babies. It was a long journey for Chad and I. From the time we met we agreed with what my dad had said and wanted me to be home raising our kids. We decided we would hold off on our desires until things worked out financially . People say not to wait until you have enough money as you never will, but when talking to two math nerds that run numbers in their sleep it had to make budget sense on paper especially if it meant me not working. The years I spent working literally hurt. I worked at a good attitude, but all the while my spirit felt out of line with its calling.
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