November 29, 2007
I feel like I'm not doing anything with my life. I was going to have a baby, play mommy, have a connection with other women, I truly want what You have for me but it is so hard sometimes. Lord I feel lost. With no dreams, no future. Nothing to hope for. I feel numb and shallow Jesus.
Do most people walk in a state of such confusion and inner turmoil? Do You want me working? Will the pain of not having a child ever go away? Will I ever stop faking myself out, convincing myself I am pregnant?
Mothers don't do it on purpose- at least the ones I know don't. But there is very much an unspoken "club" when you become a mother. I had more social opportunities when I had Skylar. Once she was gone I found myself out of the "clubs" territory.
I struggled with my purpose, just as I had before the call to adopt. I worried that one day Chad would change his mind about me staying home and think less of me (a fear I now see stirred from the divorce of my parents). Satan didn't want me to grab hold of the truth- that my value comes from being a daughter of the Almighty and NOT anything else.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Thank you for sharing your heart, it has helped me during my struggles as well. I think this is one of the best ways to help others, knowing that someone thought those same things and has gone through it and survived. Love you.
ReplyDelete