As I read 10 weeks worth of writing I see the struggle. The battle that I was fighting. The lies the enemy was working so hard to prove as truth. I see the fear being planted. I see so much of my confidence being destroyed. A grievance comes over me as I review my heart and ache for how much God must ache when we can't see through the murky water. My heart longed to be joyous in an outwardly joyful season, daily I pleaded with God to break what satan told me was selfishness. I struggle now with how to show you the true story, I long for God to be heard in this story...
July 18, 2007
Be Lord over all of us in this house. Keep Skylar's best interest at heart. Father help me be a great mom-guide me in this process... Family is either checked out or asking "why" when we limit visits with Skylar. I don't want to withhold her Lord, but we are still working on a connection... Jesus, why won't Skylar sleep? God, I want to run away. I am so scared. I feel suffocated. Lord I need you and don't feel like I have time to find you. My heart is so heavy. I don't like who I am.
July 19, 2007
Jesus, I trust You know what You are doing, but I am clueless! Sleeping, teaching-where do I begin? I deel alone but want to be left alone in the same moment. Lord, can I do this forever? Am I cut out for this? I am so overwhelmed and scared. Jesus I need you! Please create in me what you desire. I don't like who I am at times. FATHER MAKE ME AND MOLD ME INTO YOUR DELIGHT JESUS! Consume me. Lighten my heart Lord. Keep Chad and I strong in marriage. I don't like sharing him and I need You to keep us thriving.
It was hard to discern the new tricks satan was using on us. I really questioned if I were supposed to be a mom. Had I heard God wrong? I became very angry and the enemy told me that was the real Keri. That rage was the kind of mom I would be. I couldn't control her and I would never be able to break the longing for control.
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