My heart, our life, God's plan. part 1

exert from my journal January 31, 2007
I've heard Your voice as early as 12 at church camp "you need to be baptized." Speak to me about starting a family Lord. It's Your heart that I crave.

After some prodding and pushing from a few VIP's in my life I am going to share a piece of our lives that while we've been open about but haven't gone into major detail. I'll start from the beginning and work my way through it...

I am uncertain of when the idea of having children was birthed in me. Growing up I remember my dad saying how important it is to have the mom stay at home. Also while growing up I wanted to be a business woman that had some very important job, wore suits (brown of course), and most importantly lived independently. I never moved past that dream onto where a husband or a family might fit in. I guess it was falling for Chad that changed my dreams. I'd always been interested in boys, but never before had I wanted to toss everything aside to tend to a boy. I'd been the one wanting the tending too. In March of 2000 while sitting on Chad's lap after dancing with my sorority formal I heard God whisper "take care of this one." Looking back it wasn't just a warning for me to not go smooching other boys, but it was God showing me what would bring me the most joy in life and delight Jesus most.

Even while I finished school and started my "career" my heart was so unsettled. At first guilt took over but I soon learned that I was not lazy I just longed to be taking care of Chad and making a home. Along the way my heart would melt as I saw Chad interact with children and before I knew it I ached for babies. It was a long journey for Chad and I. From the time we met we agreed with what my dad had said and wanted me to be home raising our kids. We decided we would hold off on our desires until things worked out financially . People say not to wait until you have enough money as you never will, but when talking to two math nerds that run numbers in their sleep it had to make budget sense on paper especially if it meant me not working. The years I spent working literally hurt. I worked at a good attitude, but all the while my spirit felt out of line with its calling.