Exert from my journal on January 21, 2007
Lord, it hurts. I don't want to play You anymore anywhere in my life. I really don't want to be here Father. I want to crawl back in bed and cry. I don't want to be vulnerable...
Not much for Chad and I has come "easy" per say. I have to fight the desire for life to be fair. Learning that God's best doesn't mean He takes something from ME to give to someone else hasn't set in easily. I am on this side of the journey I write about and it still is tricky learning that! So as I clung to wanting so badly to be faithful, joyful, and trusting during our "trying" times (pun intended) I also fought the flesh. As I watched others around me get pregnant I knew they desired it, but I felt I'd longed for it longer, much harder. I thought that this was going to be my one "easy" thing. The thing I didn't have to fight for, one thing God would just give me. Even as I type I don't ever feel like it was an entitlement I thought I was owed, rather it shows how naive I was on how God blesses.
When God called us back to Abilene it was an opportunity for Chad to go back to an industry he loved, get us out of DFW which wasn't really a lifestyle that either one of us enjoyed, and would put us financially where we needed to be (not totally off a budget but comfortable) for me to stay home. We made the move. We moved on our 5th wedding anniversary, May 26 2006.
For those of you who have longed for a baby you know the heartache that comes when it doesn't happen. I psyched myself up thinking I was pregnant month after month. I longed to persevere with a joyful heart but felt in such great despair. It was hard to hear friends worry about telling me they were pregnant for fear of hurting me. What was worse was how much it did hurt but less out of jealousy and more out of God breaking my desire for control. Try as you might getting yourself pregnant is impossible, it has to be within the Almighty's plan. People would tell us we were "trying too hard" or how we should take our temperature or just let it happen. Can I advise everyone in the world to stop saying that junk. It doesn't make us feel better. It is okay to say nothing.
I can't count the times my day was crushed from seeing only one line on a pregnancy test. How many tears fought back as I smiled my way through a baby shower. The emotions were raw, Chad and I were so fragile. It was a lonely time in our lives. My parents were dealing with their divorce while Chad's parents were dealing with his moms cancer. Chad and I felt abandoned and unloved. God gave us such a passion for children but we felt He wasn't coming through on His end of the bargain. Jeremiah 29:11 reads "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Chad and I had a choice. Choose pity, darkness, heartbreak. Lose hope. Allow anger to set in. OR choose to dig deeper in God's word. Hold to the promises He so clearly gives. Trust in Him. We all have a choice in life. The question is what will we do when the junk comes. It is coming friends. That is why it is so important to plow through and plant the seeds. God will harvest seeds even if the only place He has to work with is a landfield.
Our choice? We began speaking scripture over our lives. Living and speaking as though what had not come into existence would, had. An exert from my journal on February 20, 2007 reads: "I believe Chad and I will have children. My hope is in you Lord. Psalm 20:4 says 'May he give you the desires of your heart and make all your plans succeed.' I trust the Lord knows my heart and its desires and He does not tease me."
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