2 great years, 2 fantastic boys, 1 amazing God
Yep, this day 2 years ago was the day two precious little boys came into our home. We'd met them a week prior and spent possibly the longest week of our lives preparing for this day. How can it seem like they've been with me all along, as if I gave birth to them, and yet I remember so vividly the day I met them? God can do that-fade the lines between earthly sense and Heavenly blessings.
How we've all evolved since those moments. Laughter, tears, fits (and I'm not just talking about the preschoolers), building trust, creating a new legacy for us all.
So frequently Chad and I are told that we did such a wonderful thing blessing the boys with a home. But what really happened is the Holy ONE blessed us all, kept HIS word, and fulfilled the longings of each of our hearts.
If you know us, if you know our story, take a brief moment with us today and send praise up to the Heavens for a God that thinks outside of the box. A King worthy of praise for setting up the perfect trail to lead us together. To a Heavenly Father that longs to satisfy our hearts cry.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
After several seasons, Chad and I feel called to pursue expanding our family. We have NO idea what that looks like or how it will come to play. We are just as clueless as we were the last time- when two spectacular little boys walked into our lives! YES, I have journaled how we got here, and YES I imagine at some point that will be posted but as of now I am waiting on the Lord as to when to share. Chad and I are in the process of getting all of our ducks in a row to be re certified with CPS. Again we are seeing God provide opportunities that are efficient when it comes to the training/certification process. We believe God is in control and has a plan. Chad and I are striving to have open ears and be joyfully obedient!
Friday, June 26, 2009
The future of My heart, our life, God's plan.
I feel that I have completed the task of documenting this journey as of now. I of course will be listening to God's call for the future... I am very excited to see the blog books I've ordered for the boys to have at a later date for this journey. I've had several inquiries regarding who I used.
Its Blog2print or http://blog2print.sharedbook.com/blogworld/printmyblog/index.html
I pray that the Lord uses this blog in a special way to all its readers. If there are unanswered questions please feel free to email me at keri.hoes@yahoo.com.
In God's hands.
Keri
Its Blog2print or http://blog2print.sharedbo
I pray that the Lord uses this blog in a special way to all its readers. If there are unanswered questions please feel free to email me at keri.hoes@yahoo.com.
In God's hands.
Keri
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
My heart, our life, God's plan. part 35
July 9, 2008 insert from journal
Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from him. Psalm 127:3
Father, may this family, this generation walk in Your truth. Your word. Your light! Start with Chad and I and increase our heritage in Your Name Jesus! Develop the boys to Your liking! Guard against the enemy Jesus! Sieze the whining, fear, and self doubt!
God, help me to really love my children the way You want me to and teach me how to show it in a way JD and Kade can understand.
July 10, 2008
Praise be to God, who has not rejected my prayer or withheld his love from me! Psalm 66:20.
Our hearts were overflowing with the gift God had so graciously given.
Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from him. Psalm 127:3
Father, may this family, this generation walk in Your truth. Your word. Your light! Start with Chad and I and increase our heritage in Your Name Jesus! Develop the boys to Your liking! Guard against the enemy Jesus! Sieze the whining, fear, and self doubt!
God, help me to really love my children the way You want me to and teach me how to show it in a way JD and Kade can understand.
July 10, 2008
Praise be to God, who has not rejected my prayer or withheld his love from me! Psalm 66:20.
Our hearts were overflowing with the gift God had so graciously given.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
My heart, our life, God's plan. part 34
The week following the dedication we had a big party to celebrate the boys adoption.
Chad and I also took the boys to a prayer night our church holds twice a month specifically for healing. We wanted the generational curses of their biological family broken off.
The three praying for us were great! Rejection, addiction, and fear were some of the things cut off. Sexual purity was prayed into the boys. Leadership was sown into Chad. Love was prayed over me.
God destroyed the old and gave the boys a new, rich heritage.
Chad and I also took the boys to a prayer night our church holds twice a month specifically for healing. We wanted the generational curses of their biological family broken off.
The three praying for us were great! Rejection, addiction, and fear were some of the things cut off. Sexual purity was prayed into the boys. Leadership was sown into Chad. Love was prayed over me.
God destroyed the old and gave the boys a new, rich heritage.
My heart, our life, God's plan. part 33
Another hard Sunday for the childless mom is dedication day. Thankfully, our church only does them twice a year. I'd had a secret request to Jesus. The next baby dedication would be July 6th and I'd hoped with all my might we could partake in it (I'm still giggling like a school girl at the delight Jesus so sweetly gave). Chad and I felt we weren't to dedicate the boys until they were legally ours. Thankfully-again- our church was very generous with the idea of putting our slideshow together and having to pull it at the last minute.
With legalities behind us we proceeded with the dedication. For some, dedication Sunday isn't a big deal, but for me it was a MAJOR thing. It sealed the deal for me more so than the courts. It felt like God's seal being placed on us. I wanted everyone close to be there. It would be an uncomfortable moment as it would be the first time all sides of the family had been in the same vicinity since my parents divorce.
The day came and I was thrilled to see everyone made it. It was a morning for rejoicing! The pastor made a joke about our family being the majority of the congregation as all 20 of us went down to pray for the God formed family!
I was tickled pink!
With legalities behind us we proceeded with the dedication. For some, dedication Sunday isn't a big deal, but for me it was a MAJOR thing. It sealed the deal for me more so than the courts. It felt like God's seal being placed on us. I wanted everyone close to be there. It would be an uncomfortable moment as it would be the first time all sides of the family had been in the same vicinity since my parents divorce.
The day came and I was thrilled to see everyone made it. It was a morning for rejoicing! The pastor made a joke about our family being the majority of the congregation as all 20 of us went down to pray for the God formed family!
I was tickled pink!
My heart, our life, God's plan. part 32
July 2, 2008
Lord, what a great few days! What a smooth and painless court appearance. June 30, 2008. You started a new lineage for the boys---HALLELUJAH!
The court experience had God's hand all over it. We were able to go down to Brownwood on a Sunday and stay at a family friends lake house. My brother, his wife, and their little boy came with us. We spent the day jumping into the lake and playing around. It was a great day!
We waited in the hallway of the courthouse for about 15 minutes before being called in. As we walked into the courtroom the Judge (who is known for loving adoption cases, saves them for the end of his day, and makes sure to take pictures with the new families) said "these people look alot alike." [I never get tired or hearing that!]
It was a simple procedure, swearing in, agreeing to take care of the boys. The kids got to sit on the bench and we preoccupied them with a kleenex box. We were so blessed to have my brother there to take pictures for us and to have all three of them there to support us. (They apparently got teary eyed but it was too much of a whirlwind for Chad and I to even think to cry!)
We topped off the day by stopping to get a much needed Spiderman cookie cake. The ladies in the bakery loved the brief version of our family story. Then off for a nice lunch.
I thought I looked pretty awesome for laboring 50 pounds of kid!
Lord, what a great few days! What a smooth and painless court appearance. June 30, 2008. You started a new lineage for the boys---HALLELUJAH!
The court experience had God's hand all over it. We were able to go down to Brownwood on a Sunday and stay at a family friends lake house. My brother, his wife, and their little boy came with us. We spent the day jumping into the lake and playing around. It was a great day!
We waited in the hallway of the courthouse for about 15 minutes before being called in. As we walked into the courtroom the Judge (who is known for loving adoption cases, saves them for the end of his day, and makes sure to take pictures with the new families) said "these people look alot alike." [I never get tired or hearing that!]
It was a simple procedure, swearing in, agreeing to take care of the boys. The kids got to sit on the bench and we preoccupied them with a kleenex box. We were so blessed to have my brother there to take pictures for us and to have all three of them there to support us. (They apparently got teary eyed but it was too much of a whirlwind for Chad and I to even think to cry!)
We topped off the day by stopping to get a much needed Spiderman cookie cake. The ladies in the bakery loved the brief version of our family story. Then off for a nice lunch.
I thought I looked pretty awesome for laboring 50 pounds of kid!
My heart, our life, God's plan. part 31
June 29, 2008
Lord, what are you teaching me with yesterday's events??????
Chad and I were anxiously awaiting June 30, our court date. We were very blessed to have had a change in the boys case worker. God graced us with a case worker that was on top of things! She gave us a checklist of things we needed to have done on our end and worked her tail off to get us where we needed to be by our 6 month mark. So the date was set for June 30th in Brownwood. 6 months and 2 weeks from the day we got the boys. Pretty close to unheard of in CPS. But God does the unheard!
All the while we were expressing our excitement about our court date to the boys along with friends and family. We shared that on that day we would become a "forever" family. A term that had been used when the boys came to live with us. Hindsight being what it is, we might should have used a different term. I believe that JD knew enough to know that "forever family" meant change. JD's behavior to a typical timeout during his last soccer game brought a horrifying response. You could hear him screaming over 3 soccer games.
Can I make a suggestion? I think others should look to make sure a child is not being injured, but if its a fit don't stop to stare. I had to use every ounce of will power not to express my discontent with the old ladies scoffing at me, the young men looking in disbelief. I wanted to scream "he is a foster child learning of change and not understanding it!" Well, if I were being completely honest, I wanted to yell obscenities at them and punch them in the face.
It was a horrible fit. JD had to stay home from a birthday party. I had to put the ironing board in front of his room to prevent me from going and throwing him through the window. (Okay, not literal but I knew it was best for him to work this out on his own and I needed some time to cool off as well so I put up a physical barrier).
I'd never seen a child with so much rage. It wasn't a three year old tantrum. It was a glimpse of the pain that he must have felt. Rejection, abondment, fear, uncertainty, hunger, longing for love and familiarity--- it all came out that hot Saturday morning.
Lord, what are you teaching me with yesterday's events??????
Chad and I were anxiously awaiting June 30, our court date. We were very blessed to have had a change in the boys case worker. God graced us with a case worker that was on top of things! She gave us a checklist of things we needed to have done on our end and worked her tail off to get us where we needed to be by our 6 month mark. So the date was set for June 30th in Brownwood. 6 months and 2 weeks from the day we got the boys. Pretty close to unheard of in CPS. But God does the unheard!
All the while we were expressing our excitement about our court date to the boys along with friends and family. We shared that on that day we would become a "forever" family. A term that had been used when the boys came to live with us. Hindsight being what it is, we might should have used a different term. I believe that JD knew enough to know that "forever family" meant change. JD's behavior to a typical timeout during his last soccer game brought a horrifying response. You could hear him screaming over 3 soccer games.
Can I make a suggestion? I think others should look to make sure a child is not being injured, but if its a fit don't stop to stare. I had to use every ounce of will power not to express my discontent with the old ladies scoffing at me, the young men looking in disbelief. I wanted to scream "he is a foster child learning of change and not understanding it!" Well, if I were being completely honest, I wanted to yell obscenities at them and punch them in the face.
It was a horrible fit. JD had to stay home from a birthday party. I had to put the ironing board in front of his room to prevent me from going and throwing him through the window. (Okay, not literal but I knew it was best for him to work this out on his own and I needed some time to cool off as well so I put up a physical barrier).
I'd never seen a child with so much rage. It wasn't a three year old tantrum. It was a glimpse of the pain that he must have felt. Rejection, abondment, fear, uncertainty, hunger, longing for love and familiarity--- it all came out that hot Saturday morning.
My heart, our life, God's plan. part 30
The month of May and June allowed some comfort and ease in parenting. Though the attacks were still coming I was more aware of them, which meant I was better prepared to fight satan's lies. We were thrilled to sign JD up for soccer, Chad coaching. And although JD was only concerned about the snacks it was a delight to see Chad do the "dad" thing! And do it with confidence and ease.
My prayers continued to be that I would grow more comfortable in my own skin. That I would believe I had what it took, that God had given me what it would take to raise these boys. I also continued to ask the Lord how to allot my time. Finally coming clean with Chad that to be the wife and mom I wanted to be something had to give, which ended up meaning cereal or sandwiches for dinner. I wanted to be able to do everything- cook, clean, play with the boys, disciplinary, sex goddess- but something had to budge and with the help of Chad so graciously helping out and reminding me I couldn't (and didn't have to) do it all I learned to let go of some things.
While we were occupied molding together as a family our 6 month foster period was coming to an end.
My prayers continued to be that I would grow more comfortable in my own skin. That I would believe I had what it took, that God had given me what it would take to raise these boys. I also continued to ask the Lord how to allot my time. Finally coming clean with Chad that to be the wife and mom I wanted to be something had to give, which ended up meaning cereal or sandwiches for dinner. I wanted to be able to do everything- cook, clean, play with the boys, disciplinary, sex goddess- but something had to budge and with the help of Chad so graciously helping out and reminding me I couldn't (and didn't have to) do it all I learned to let go of some things.
While we were occupied molding together as a family our 6 month foster period was coming to an end.
Friday, May 22, 2009
My heart, our life, God's plan. part 29
May 11, 2008 Mother's Day
Father thank you for keeping faith and Your plan for the children You've brought despite my lack of faith. Thank you for making me a mother!!!
The year prior my mom was in town for mothers day, my brother and wife also with us at church with their son. It was a rough day- one that I was going to get through without crying. That was until David, our preacher, called the moms, moms to be, and those with a mothers heart. Those who long to be a mother but have not seen it yet. --enter buckets of tears here- I wanted to be strong as I stood, as my mom and husband wrapped their arms around me. As my big brother reached over mom to grab my shoulder. But it hurt, it hurt that they knew it was killing me inside. It hurt knowing they were watching all of this and wondering "why" just like Chad and I...
As you can imagine, despite the pain of the previous year (I cry now reminiscing), I was simply delighted to have my very own Mother's Day. And I had two sweet little ones to call me mommy a million times that day! Chad got me an oval shaped silver locket with tiny pictures of my two little ones. It was such a sweet day and will always be a time to give God praise for His amazing gifts of the heart.
Father thank you for keeping faith and Your plan for the children You've brought despite my lack of faith. Thank you for making me a mother!!!
The year prior my mom was in town for mothers day, my brother and wife also with us at church with their son. It was a rough day- one that I was going to get through without crying. That was until David, our preacher, called the moms, moms to be, and those with a mothers heart. Those who long to be a mother but have not seen it yet. --enter buckets of tears here- I wanted to be strong as I stood, as my mom and husband wrapped their arms around me. As my big brother reached over mom to grab my shoulder. But it hurt, it hurt that they knew it was killing me inside. It hurt knowing they were watching all of this and wondering "why" just like Chad and I...
As you can imagine, despite the pain of the previous year (I cry now reminiscing), I was simply delighted to have my very own Mother's Day. And I had two sweet little ones to call me mommy a million times that day! Chad got me an oval shaped silver locket with tiny pictures of my two little ones. It was such a sweet day and will always be a time to give God praise for His amazing gifts of the heart.
My heart, our life, God's plan. part 28
During the foster process you have someone constantly checking in on you. We had monthly in home visits with our case worker, monthly in home checkins with the boys case worker, and most times another random something or another. There is almost a sense of paranoia that accompanies having a foster child in your home. I suppose it was less paranoia and more of a heightened awareness. You worry that someone in the grocery store sees you grab your child's arm too hard, panic that watching eyes may feel the need to call cps if a fit is thrown publicly. You keep your head on a swivel for a season and pray pray pray!
And that is what we did.
May 7, 2008
God, be with the boys today when Toni comes for the inspection. Be God of this home. Grant us with Your grace oh Holy Lord!
And that is what we did.
May 7, 2008
God, be with the boys today when Toni comes for the inspection. Be God of this home. Grant us with Your grace oh Holy Lord!
My heart, our life, God's plan. part 27
Satan was pulling out all of the stops- even attacking me while I slept. Dreams kept me up...
April 23, 2008
Lord, protect me against attack- esp at night. Lord, I remember there was an older man reaching out for me while I lay in our bed in this house in our room. Chad said he woke up to me screaming. I was hazy and trembling. It took me a few minutes to be woken up or to respond to Chad talking to me. My heart was pounding...
I was worn out. Fighting the enemy was becoming a full time job. I was close so many times to surrendering and letting him win. My journal has weeks, months worth of pleading for God to give me rest, to consume me, to direct me.
April 28, 2008
Another dream, this time someone tried to attack a friend and I stepped in and began clawing my way out of the persons grasp... GOD YOU REMAIN IN AUTHORITY OVER LIGHT AND DARKNESS. I REBUKE THE EVIL WANTING IN BY YOUR GLORIOUS NAME JESUS CHRIST!
April 23, 2008
Lord, protect me against attack- esp at night. Lord, I remember there was an older man reaching out for me while I lay in our bed in this house in our room. Chad said he woke up to me screaming. I was hazy and trembling. It took me a few minutes to be woken up or to respond to Chad talking to me. My heart was pounding...
I was worn out. Fighting the enemy was becoming a full time job. I was close so many times to surrendering and letting him win. My journal has weeks, months worth of pleading for God to give me rest, to consume me, to direct me.
April 28, 2008
Another dream, this time someone tried to attack a friend and I stepped in and began clawing my way out of the persons grasp... GOD YOU REMAIN IN AUTHORITY OVER LIGHT AND DARKNESS. I REBUKE THE EVIL WANTING IN BY YOUR GLORIOUS NAME JESUS CHRIST!
My heart, our life, God's plan. part 26
When we got the boys Chad and I had been married 6 and 1/2 years. We'd gotten used to one another, familiar with our "hot" buttons so to speak. [Some of you are smirking at where this is going]
Once we got the boys Chad and I had brand new issues to "discuss." This was another area Satan crept in. He lied to me telling me I was negative, complain-y, needy. That I was selfish.
I longed to be Chad's helper, his encourager, his biggest fan but learning to balance the kids in the mix was difficult. We struggled alot with submission and leadership. Before children there wasn't as much a need for this to occur. Sure there were a few minor hiccups where I had to shut my mouth but we've always worked as a team. Chad and I felt it so important that he lead the family- set the example, follow Christs calling but that was a challenge when I was running the show Monday-Friday 8am-5pm.
Again, more shame and guilt because I wasn't getting it right. That shame and guilt poured out into my confidence. Made me doubt we'd done the right thing even while my heart loved the boys as though I'd given them life...
Once we got the boys Chad and I had brand new issues to "discuss." This was another area Satan crept in. He lied to me telling me I was negative, complain-y, needy. That I was selfish.
I longed to be Chad's helper, his encourager, his biggest fan but learning to balance the kids in the mix was difficult. We struggled alot with submission and leadership. Before children there wasn't as much a need for this to occur. Sure there were a few minor hiccups where I had to shut my mouth but we've always worked as a team. Chad and I felt it so important that he lead the family- set the example, follow Christs calling but that was a challenge when I was running the show Monday-Friday 8am-5pm.
Again, more shame and guilt because I wasn't getting it right. That shame and guilt poured out into my confidence. Made me doubt we'd done the right thing even while my heart loved the boys as though I'd given them life...
My heart, our life, God's plan. part 25
Adjusting to motherhood has not been an easy journey. In fact, I think I had a harder time adjusting than anyone else in the house. Satan works non stop at his ploys. My heart was constantly battling the idea that I was a complete failure at mothering. If I got mad at the boys, I'd feel ashamed. If I didn't want to play with them, I felt guilty. I saw examples of what a "good" mom was and because I didn't look like them I must be bad. Not different, not unique, not blessed, but BAD.
God's grace is a beautiful thing but we have to choose it. Walk in it. I found myself having to speak thing over myself as reminders that the Lord was with me and I was good.
April 16, 2008
I am loving, dedicated, thoughtful, becoming generous, obedient, faithful, discerning, organized, trying, improving, holy, royal, light, bright, joyful, God's beautiful child!
God's grace is a beautiful thing but we have to choose it. Walk in it. I found myself having to speak thing over myself as reminders that the Lord was with me and I was good.
April 16, 2008
I am loving, dedicated, thoughtful, becoming generous, obedient, faithful, discerning, organized, trying, improving, holy, royal, light, bright, joyful, God's beautiful child!
Monday, May 18, 2009
My heart, our life, God's plan. part 24
Somewhere along the way Chad and I learned of some health concerns that should be being addressed with JD. First, our doctor shared that JD did indeed have asthma and should be doing a breathing treatment twice a day rather than as needed, which is what his previous home shared with us. JD also was diagnosed with 2 other syndromes that would require a semi-annual visit to Cook's Children Hospital that had fallen to the waste side.
At the point of learning this we were so very frustrated. Lack of communication, or hidden information, sneaked in again just as it had with Skylar. Even so, our hearts were to adopt these sweet little ones so we continued to move forward.
The appointments were more annoying than anything. The 6 hours of driving, nearly 2 hours of waiting, parking in a spot that I wasn't supposed to that required the hospital security to come help me out, and especially finding out that JD's doctor does a monthly clinic in Abilene.
Despite the annoyances God took care of us. The boys handled the long day well and we got good news that despite what JD had been diagnosed with at birth he was thriving!
At the point of learning this we were so very frustrated. Lack of communication, or hidden information, sneaked in again just as it had with Skylar. Even so, our hearts were to adopt these sweet little ones so we continued to move forward.
The appointments were more annoying than anything. The 6 hours of driving, nearly 2 hours of waiting, parking in a spot that I wasn't supposed to that required the hospital security to come help me out, and especially finding out that JD's doctor does a monthly clinic in Abilene.
Despite the annoyances God took care of us. The boys handled the long day well and we got good news that despite what JD had been diagnosed with at birth he was thriving!
My heart, our life, God's plan. part 23
March 6, 2008
Lord, I think what I am hearing is that I've relied on Chad to meet the majority of my needs- which could be the cause of his sicknesses over the last 2 months. Father, help me learn a balance of relying on You and sharing with Chad. I am fearful of how this revelation will change our marriage. What do I take to Chad or friends? I hear You saying bring it all to You first. That will totally take a reprogramming! So reprogram me Lord!
I heard You loud and clear Lord that we are not to give up or grow weary doing good so I will fight to do good- especially for my family. May I learn to find comfort, energy, and peace in You.
Lord, I think what I am hearing is that I've relied on Chad to meet the majority of my needs- which could be the cause of his sicknesses over the last 2 months. Father, help me learn a balance of relying on You and sharing with Chad. I am fearful of how this revelation will change our marriage. What do I take to Chad or friends? I hear You saying bring it all to You first. That will totally take a reprogramming! So reprogram me Lord!
I heard You loud and clear Lord that we are not to give up or grow weary doing good so I will fight to do good- especially for my family. May I learn to find comfort, energy, and peace in You.
My heart, our life, God's plan. part 22
March 5, 2008
Lord I am coming to You worn out, frustrated, and feeling helpless. Chad is sick. I am supposed to take care of him and the boys but Lord my question is who is taking care of me??? Lord, I believe the answer should be You, but I don't feel like I'm being taken care of. I get upset Chad is sick. I start feeling desperate, alone, tired, and then react in anger to the boys. I am so disappointed in myself.
Lord I am coming to You worn out, frustrated, and feeling helpless. Chad is sick. I am supposed to take care of him and the boys but Lord my question is who is taking care of me??? Lord, I believe the answer should be You, but I don't feel like I'm being taken care of. I get upset Chad is sick. I start feeling desperate, alone, tired, and then react in anger to the boys. I am so disappointed in myself.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
My heart, our life, God's plan. part 21
January 16, 2008
Lord Jesus, please grow Chad and I closer. Father help us both see what parenting is-especially Chad not getting as much practice as I do. Father help us all bond and find a solid "routine." Jesus, I am very nervous about schooling stuff- what if we can't get in, potty training, holding them back... Lord, I just don't know what we should do. Guide our conversations and decision making. Lord, plant a strong desire in each of the boys to deeply long to honor, love, and serve You from early in their lives. May they never feel rejection. May they feel comfortable and safe. Jesus may they know you early, serve you faithfully, and love you always...
Parenting brings many challenges. I've been told that starting at the "no" stage and skipping the stages that we did by getting two children at 2 and 3 complicates things even more. Chad and I were thrown into disciplining immediately. We longed for Chad to continue being the leader of the home but there was a power struggle. I was with the children all day long, had more practice (and opportunities for mistakes) so it made it difficult to switch over the authority at 5:15 daily. Just when we'd started to figure out this marriage stuff two little boys weighing in at less than 50 pounds together promoted many 'loud' discussions.
What was happening was the breaking of my desire to control. It had been a theme already in play but God really drove it home with the boys entering in my life.
I believed (and still do) that even if the boys did not remember their lives prior to age 3 satan wanted to come in and use heir past - specifically rejection - to haunt them. So prayer over that area became crucial quickly. In all honesty, prayer was the only thing keeping me sane as my world changed-in a good way, but changed non the less...
Lord Jesus, please grow Chad and I closer. Father help us both see what parenting is-especially Chad not getting as much practice as I do. Father help us all bond and find a solid "routine." Jesus, I am very nervous about schooling stuff- what if we can't get in, potty training, holding them back... Lord, I just don't know what we should do. Guide our conversations and decision making. Lord, plant a strong desire in each of the boys to deeply long to honor, love, and serve You from early in their lives. May they never feel rejection. May they feel comfortable and safe. Jesus may they know you early, serve you faithfully, and love you always...
Parenting brings many challenges. I've been told that starting at the "no" stage and skipping the stages that we did by getting two children at 2 and 3 complicates things even more. Chad and I were thrown into disciplining immediately. We longed for Chad to continue being the leader of the home but there was a power struggle. I was with the children all day long, had more practice (and opportunities for mistakes) so it made it difficult to switch over the authority at 5:15 daily. Just when we'd started to figure out this marriage stuff two little boys weighing in at less than 50 pounds together promoted many 'loud' discussions.
What was happening was the breaking of my desire to control. It had been a theme already in play but God really drove it home with the boys entering in my life.
I believed (and still do) that even if the boys did not remember their lives prior to age 3 satan wanted to come in and use heir past - specifically rejection - to haunt them. So prayer over that area became crucial quickly. In all honesty, prayer was the only thing keeping me sane as my world changed-in a good way, but changed non the less...
My heart, our life, God's plan. part 20
January 3, 2008 from the boys journal
You both are very well behaved. Everyone over Christmas thought you were adorable and said "they look like you and Chad!" You are great travelers and love to play at the gym and church. You love videos especially Diego.
Kade- you are into everything, especially technology things (buttons on t.v., stereo, alarm clocks). You love to pretend you are talking on the phone and you like balls, wrestling, and being thrown by anyone. If someone is laying on the floor you see it as an opportunity to pounce! You already know that dimple can get you things!
JD- you love to talk and ask "what's that?" You've renamed Truman "Tricky." You must have watched alot of t.v. because you know all the characters. You fight naptime every day but end up sleeping about 45 minutes. Yesterday was our first attempt in potty training and you pooped two times in the potty! You also helped sing Happy Birthday to Daddy yesterday.
The boys both continued to ask about their old foster family. Especially Alex, their older foster brother. The first night on our travels for Christmas was pretty hard for JD and Kade. They weren't sold on the fact Chad and I weren't leaving them.
There is a 'honeymoon' stage that is talked about with foster kids. The first month or so they are on their very best behavior. The boys seemed to not just be honeymooning it but rather settling in nicely.
I felt relief from Skylar leaving. That initial feeling of "whew" once I knew she was leaving provoked a tremendous amount of guilt. I believed I was hard hearted, selfish, and not mother material. LIES.LIES.LIES. I felt the second I met the boys they took on the attitude of "that's my momma!" We gelled immediately. Isn't God gracious to put the pieces of the puzzle together for us! I understood the relief was simply because she and I had not bonded. She was a confused little girl- what with having weekly visits where she saw her biological mother, her biological grandmother, and me. Skylar didn't see me as her mother. We never had that connection.
To this day I sparkle at the words "they look so much like you!"
You both are very well behaved. Everyone over Christmas thought you were adorable and said "they look like you and Chad!" You are great travelers and love to play at the gym and church. You love videos especially Diego.
Kade- you are into everything, especially technology things (buttons on t.v., stereo, alarm clocks). You love to pretend you are talking on the phone and you like balls, wrestling, and being thrown by anyone. If someone is laying on the floor you see it as an opportunity to pounce! You already know that dimple can get you things!
JD- you love to talk and ask "what's that?" You've renamed Truman "Tricky." You must have watched alot of t.v. because you know all the characters. You fight naptime every day but end up sleeping about 45 minutes. Yesterday was our first attempt in potty training and you pooped two times in the potty! You also helped sing Happy Birthday to Daddy yesterday.
The boys both continued to ask about their old foster family. Especially Alex, their older foster brother. The first night on our travels for Christmas was pretty hard for JD and Kade. They weren't sold on the fact Chad and I weren't leaving them.
There is a 'honeymoon' stage that is talked about with foster kids. The first month or so they are on their very best behavior. The boys seemed to not just be honeymooning it but rather settling in nicely.
I felt relief from Skylar leaving. That initial feeling of "whew" once I knew she was leaving provoked a tremendous amount of guilt. I believed I was hard hearted, selfish, and not mother material. LIES.LIES.LIES. I felt the second I met the boys they took on the attitude of "that's my momma!" We gelled immediately. Isn't God gracious to put the pieces of the puzzle together for us! I understood the relief was simply because she and I had not bonded. She was a confused little girl- what with having weekly visits where she saw her biological mother, her biological grandmother, and me. Skylar didn't see me as her mother. We never had that connection.
To this day I sparkle at the words "they look so much like you!"
My heart, our life, God's plan. part 19
Do you ever find yourself surprised that God knows what He is doing!?! I mean think about our time line. Even in loosing Skylar God was gracious. What a challenge we would have faced managing Skylar while mourning the loss of Chad's mom. We could not have helped Larry with so many of the details of the funeral.
Then the Lord plants these two delightful boys in our lives 2 weeks before Christmas. Our plans had been to spend Christmas day with Chad's dad- his first without Cathy. We all know the hope children can bring, the promise of new life that can lighten a heavy heart just from a child climbing up in your lap.
I believe in God's timing. My heart swells at the piece of joy God allowed us to taste after a season of such great loss. He surpasses all understanding!
Christmas 2007 brought laughter, kisses & hugs, and hope.
Then the Lord plants these two delightful boys in our lives 2 weeks before Christmas. Our plans had been to spend Christmas day with Chad's dad- his first without Cathy. We all know the hope children can bring, the promise of new life that can lighten a heavy heart just from a child climbing up in your lap.
I believe in God's timing. My heart swells at the piece of joy God allowed us to taste after a season of such great loss. He surpasses all understanding!
Christmas 2007 brought laughter, kisses & hugs, and hope.
Friday, May 1, 2009
My heart, our life, God's plan. part 18
December 14, 2007
Thank You for a productive day yesterday, You are such a great motivator! Jesus, fall on this home today. Father, fill Chad, JD, Kade, and myself with Your peace and comfort. May the boys feel Your ease as they experience leaving everything familiar. I ask that when they lay their heads down in a new bed tonight Father they feel YOUR presence and are not frightened nor worried, scared--- may nothing but YOUR abundant love, peace, grace, kindness surround JD and Kade. May we all adapt and adjust well and quickly!
December 15, 2007 from the boys journal
God sent us 2 little boys for Christmas on 12/7/07 and we fell in love. Rights are terminated so we hope for adoption within 6 months. The boys adjusted well the first night. JD asked several questions especially about where his "momma" and "poppa" were. They struggled to sleep but after about an hour slept all night. Today JD pooped and peed in the potty! Both boys napped at 11 for an hour after playing all morning. Kade and JD adjusted to Truman well and eating lots very cleanly! I tried to just give them dry cereal and they asked for milk--they know how to eat cereal with milk and no dribble! We had to put the Christmas presents away. JD is very outgoing and talkative. Kade is all boy but loves to cuddle.
Thank You for a productive day yesterday, You are such a great motivator! Jesus, fall on this home today. Father, fill Chad, JD, Kade, and myself with Your peace and comfort. May the boys feel Your ease as they experience leaving everything familiar. I ask that when they lay their heads down in a new bed tonight Father they feel YOUR presence and are not frightened nor worried, scared--- may nothing but YOUR abundant love, peace, grace, kindness surround JD and Kade. May we all adapt and adjust well and quickly!
December 15, 2007 from the boys journal
God sent us 2 little boys for Christmas on 12/7/07 and we fell in love. Rights are terminated so we hope for adoption within 6 months. The boys adjusted well the first night. JD asked several questions especially about where his "momma" and "poppa" were. They struggled to sleep but after about an hour slept all night. Today JD pooped and peed in the potty! Both boys napped at 11 for an hour after playing all morning. Kade and JD adjusted to Truman well and eating lots very cleanly! I tried to just give them dry cereal and they asked for milk--they know how to eat cereal with milk and no dribble! We had to put the Christmas presents away. JD is very outgoing and talkative. Kade is all boy but loves to cuddle.
My heart, our life, God's plan. part 17
The week was spent making phone calls, adjusting the old girl stuff to two of everything boyish. The boys were used to sharing a space so despite a 4 bedroom home the plan was to have them share while they adapted. I think it was hard for some of our friends and family to get excited after seeing the pain we endured with Skylar. By the grace of God, Chad and I never looked back. We were able to move forward with little to no fear. Hallelujah!
God's hand was in this. From clearing my congestion and cough before the boys came, to extra cash for two car seats, two booster seats, well you get the picture. We heard back after the weekend from our case worker. The boys foster mom fell in love with us and wanted the boys to be with their "forever family" despite it being hard for her to lose them.
Thanks to the favor shown from the foster family CPS made the efforts to quickly place the boys with us. They came to us 2 weeks before Christmas on December 14, 2007. Because of the boys being so close in age (11 months) and size we saught to create individuality by calling Jayden J.D. (for no other reason than he had a 'J' and a 'D' in his name). JD was 3 at the time and we felt he was too old for a complete name change. Kayden was shortened to Kade.
God's hand was in this. From clearing my congestion and cough before the boys came, to extra cash for two car seats, two booster seats, well you get the picture. We heard back after the weekend from our case worker. The boys foster mom fell in love with us and wanted the boys to be with their "forever family" despite it being hard for her to lose them.
Thanks to the favor shown from the foster family CPS made the efforts to quickly place the boys with us. They came to us 2 weeks before Christmas on December 14, 2007. Because of the boys being so close in age (11 months) and size we saught to create individuality by calling Jayden J.D. (for no other reason than he had a 'J' and a 'D' in his name). JD was 3 at the time and we felt he was too old for a complete name change. Kayden was shortened to Kade.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
My heart, our life, God's plan. part 16
December 9, 2007
Lord, we are SO blessed to have YOU and SO many people on our side-praying and uplifting us. Friday esp! The meeting of the boys went so well!!! Kayden wanted Chad to hold him within seconds of walking through the door! Jayden sat in my lap and we read. Such adorable boys! God, I can't fathom the love You have for me to open a door exactly what I've always wished for! 2 boys! You have provided hope, shared love freely, listened to my prayers. You keep blessing though we lose site of You. Friday you were there Jesus. Oh my how You came through in a mighty way. I am special!!! Life isn't fair but you give me abundance- things only for me ---whoa!!! Thank You Christ Jesus, father of life. Thank You for mending hearts during our loss and hopelessness. I love You God of all. You are so dear and just amazing! May my heart never lose this!
Our Friday night meeting the boys went overwhelmingly well. The foster parents had us over for dinner where we got to see into the boys lives. The second we left Chad and I turned into little school girls-laughing, screaming, and talking a mile a minute. We wanted to turn the car around that minute and take them home!!!
Lord, we are SO blessed to have YOU and SO many people on our side-praying and uplifting us. Friday esp! The meeting of the boys went so well!!! Kayden wanted Chad to hold him within seconds of walking through the door! Jayden sat in my lap and we read. Such adorable boys! God, I can't fathom the love You have for me to open a door exactly what I've always wished for! 2 boys! You have provided hope, shared love freely, listened to my prayers. You keep blessing though we lose site of You. Friday you were there Jesus. Oh my how You came through in a mighty way. I am special!!! Life isn't fair but you give me abundance- things only for me ---whoa!!! Thank You Christ Jesus, father of life. Thank You for mending hearts during our loss and hopelessness. I love You God of all. You are so dear and just amazing! May my heart never lose this!
Our Friday night meeting the boys went overwhelmingly well. The foster parents had us over for dinner where we got to see into the boys lives. The second we left Chad and I turned into little school girls-laughing, screaming, and talking a mile a minute. We wanted to turn the car around that minute and take them home!!!
My heart, our life, God's plan. part 15
When you want something so bad and have little control over obtaining said something pity parties are inevitable. Or at least in my case. Once Chad and I felt ready to take kids again I wanted them now! On December 2, 2007, after a great trip that consisted of running a 5k and roller skating with friends I had a big ole pity party. I was so heart broken after what seemed like a lifetime of hoping...
December 3, 2007
I called, you answered and You came to my rescue and I want to be where You are.
Please forgive me Lord for my breakdown last night Jesus. I sounded ungrateful when that is not true! You heard my heart and brought such hope with the call about Jayden and Kayden. Jesus, I just pray Your hand and Your will be completely in control with this situation.
December 3, 2007 I woke to a phone ringing. It was early for a phone call- around 7:30. I was especially surprised to hear our case worker on the other line. Elaine had called to ask us about two little boys named Jayden and Kayden. They were brothers ages 2 and 3. With no health concerns. Rights had been terminated. It was so unrealistic. Biological brothers so young with rights terminated and good health.
We learned about Jayden and Kayden the day after we decided we would take Skylar. We didn't know they were looking for an adoptive home so Chad and I decided it best to not take on 3 kids under the age of 3. I later would ache for not taking them sooner...
Chad and I were able to find a lot of information out from the foster mom that the boys had been with for 11 months. She had her hands full with a 6 year old mentally challenged child and said "if I were 10 years younger I would take them in a heartbeat."
A meeting to see if the 4 of us "meshed" was set up on December 7, 2007.
December 3, 2007
I called, you answered and You came to my rescue and I want to be where You are.
Please forgive me Lord for my breakdown last night Jesus. I sounded ungrateful when that is not true! You heard my heart and brought such hope with the call about Jayden and Kayden. Jesus, I just pray Your hand and Your will be completely in control with this situation.
December 3, 2007 I woke to a phone ringing. It was early for a phone call- around 7:30. I was especially surprised to hear our case worker on the other line. Elaine had called to ask us about two little boys named Jayden and Kayden. They were brothers ages 2 and 3. With no health concerns. Rights had been terminated. It was so unrealistic. Biological brothers so young with rights terminated and good health.
We learned about Jayden and Kayden the day after we decided we would take Skylar. We didn't know they were looking for an adoptive home so Chad and I decided it best to not take on 3 kids under the age of 3. I later would ache for not taking them sooner...
Chad and I were able to find a lot of information out from the foster mom that the boys had been with for 11 months. She had her hands full with a 6 year old mentally challenged child and said "if I were 10 years younger I would take them in a heartbeat."
A meeting to see if the 4 of us "meshed" was set up on December 7, 2007.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
My heart, our life, God's plan. part 14
November 29, 2007
I feel like I'm not doing anything with my life. I was going to have a baby, play mommy, have a connection with other women, I truly want what You have for me but it is so hard sometimes. Lord I feel lost. With no dreams, no future. Nothing to hope for. I feel numb and shallow Jesus.
Do most people walk in a state of such confusion and inner turmoil? Do You want me working? Will the pain of not having a child ever go away? Will I ever stop faking myself out, convincing myself I am pregnant?
Mothers don't do it on purpose- at least the ones I know don't. But there is very much an unspoken "club" when you become a mother. I had more social opportunities when I had Skylar. Once she was gone I found myself out of the "clubs" territory.
I struggled with my purpose, just as I had before the call to adopt. I worried that one day Chad would change his mind about me staying home and think less of me (a fear I now see stirred from the divorce of my parents). Satan didn't want me to grab hold of the truth- that my value comes from being a daughter of the Almighty and NOT anything else.
I feel like I'm not doing anything with my life. I was going to have a baby, play mommy, have a connection with other women, I truly want what You have for me but it is so hard sometimes. Lord I feel lost. With no dreams, no future. Nothing to hope for. I feel numb and shallow Jesus.
Do most people walk in a state of such confusion and inner turmoil? Do You want me working? Will the pain of not having a child ever go away? Will I ever stop faking myself out, convincing myself I am pregnant?
Mothers don't do it on purpose- at least the ones I know don't. But there is very much an unspoken "club" when you become a mother. I had more social opportunities when I had Skylar. Once she was gone I found myself out of the "clubs" territory.
I struggled with my purpose, just as I had before the call to adopt. I worried that one day Chad would change his mind about me staying home and think less of me (a fear I now see stirred from the divorce of my parents). Satan didn't want me to grab hold of the truth- that my value comes from being a daughter of the Almighty and NOT anything else.
My heart, our life, God's plan. part 13
November 06, 2007
With all of the craziness over the past few months Chad and I have been unsure of our next step with kids. We prayed and talked a million different ways about the subject. I just wasn't ready. On Wednesday, October 31, 2007, I went to bible study. During small group we discussed obedience. As I heard the others talk God and I had a conversation:
me: God, we just don't know what to do
God: I told you what to do back in February
me: But the pain from Skylar...
God: and aren't I mending you heart?
me: okay,yes you have, I will follow you.
Chad picked me up for lunch that day and as I got in he had me read a note from his time with God that morning{as he had been praying faithfully for God to put us on the same page in regards to children}. It said 'Your struggle probably is not with running from God but with knowing exactly where He is wanting you. Keep praying, keep listening, and do faithfully the things you do know.' As I shared my encounter with Chad we realized the answer was always there and we know that God will take care of us.
We contacted our case worker to start the process again.
Trusting the Lord.
With all of the craziness over the past few months Chad and I have been unsure of our next step with kids. We prayed and talked a million different ways about the subject. I just wasn't ready. On Wednesday, October 31, 2007, I went to bible study. During small group we discussed obedience. As I heard the others talk God and I had a conversation:
me: God, we just don't know what to do
God: I told you what to do back in February
me: But the pain from Skylar...
God: and aren't I mending you heart?
me: okay,yes you have, I will follow you.
Chad picked me up for lunch that day and as I got in he had me read a note from his time with God that morning{as he had been praying faithfully for God to put us on the same page in regards to children}. It said 'Your struggle probably is not with running from God but with knowing exactly where He is wanting you. Keep praying, keep listening, and do faithfully the things you do know.' As I shared my encounter with Chad we realized the answer was always there and we know that God will take care of us.
We contacted our case worker to start the process again.
Trusting the Lord.
My heart, our life, God's plan. part 12
October 7, 2007
Lord, I am worn out. Fall on me Jesus and bring rest and peace- physically, emotionally, and spiritually... Mend our heart Jesus.
October 15, 2007
Lord, I place my future, my trust, and my hope in You. Trials bring perseverance and character Lord. I believe Your word and trust You to prevail! Thank You for rest Lord. May today GLORIFY YOUR KINGDOM CHRIST JESUS!
During this time I was going through a bible study that said "Who you are in the fire is the truth of who you are." I can't say I've always handled situations with grace, but I have never doubted God's joy in watching Chad and I during all of this. We longed to be like Job, to keep our hearts on the Kingdom even amongst great trials.
Chad was ready for children before I was. My heart just wasn't ready. I was timid to open my heart again. I knew I wanted to be as open with the next child as I was with Skylar. Parenting them as though they were mine, loving them with an open heart but I just wasn't sure I was capable.
Lord, I am worn out. Fall on me Jesus and bring rest and peace- physically, emotionally, and spiritually... Mend our heart Jesus.
October 15, 2007
Lord, I place my future, my trust, and my hope in You. Trials bring perseverance and character Lord. I believe Your word and trust You to prevail! Thank You for rest Lord. May today GLORIFY YOUR KINGDOM CHRIST JESUS!
During this time I was going through a bible study that said "Who you are in the fire is the truth of who you are." I can't say I've always handled situations with grace, but I have never doubted God's joy in watching Chad and I during all of this. We longed to be like Job, to keep our hearts on the Kingdom even amongst great trials.
Chad was ready for children before I was. My heart just wasn't ready. I was timid to open my heart again. I knew I wanted to be as open with the next child as I was with Skylar. Parenting them as though they were mine, loving them with an open heart but I just wasn't sure I was capable.
My heart, our life, God's plan. part 11
Blessed be your name In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow Blessed be your name
Blessed be your name When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness Blessed be your name
Every blessing you pour out,I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be your glorious name
Blessed be your name When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be Blessed be your name
Blessed be your name On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering Blessed be your name
Every blessing you pour out,I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be your glorious name
You give and take away You give and take away
My heart will choose to say Lord, Blessed be your name
What is worse that in these situations I feel the dad gets even less care. Chad was hurting too, having to make it through work. Carrying the weight of a loss of a child and a grieving wife.
The beauty of this all??? Our Heavenly Father never left us. If I've ever felt Abba's care it was during those weeks. He NEVER left Chad and I. We clung to the word. This song (above) carried me through everything. We were determined to keep our hearts toward the kingdom, and although there was frustration with earthly people I believe we brought glory to God during our grievances.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
My heart, our life, God's plan. part 10
August 1, 2007
As I finished reading Deuteronomy I can't help but think how heart breaking it must have been for Moses not to go into the promised land. To only see it from afar. To be called to a task and it not finish the way you hoped or thought it would. Lord, make me like Moses- his eyes were on You, always seeing the bigger picture or trusting You to!
I see now that this was a prophetic word from the Lord. Words to spur me on. He knew exactly when I would finish with the book of Deuteronomy and what I would gain from the completed task. I also see that my prayer was a seed that He would soon harvest. In the weeks to come God would allow us to see faint red flags waiving. God granted His all knowing wisdom and discernment and guided us to the right people, the right questions. The case workers involved continued to tell us that rights would be moving towards termination. Our guts seemed to believe the transporters reports. In the end, she was the one to give accurate reports. Skylar's family was meeting all the requirements to allow Skylar back in their home. The state is always for family reunification and trusts its case workers to thoroughly do their job. The information on Skylar had not been updated in roughly 10 months so what we'd been told was accurate for 10 months prior. Somehow that detail had not been shared. So when the transporter told me on September 5, 2007 that a weekend visit would happen (which usually is a "test run" before permanent placement) the following week we knew it would come and it would come quickly.
September 5, 2007 from Skylar's journal
Our prayers will always be with you. May your soul find Jesus. May your influence reach generations of old and new for the glory and kingdom of Jesus Christ.
She brought us tissue when our tears wouldn't stop. It breaks my heart to think that she knew the cycle all too well. Well enough to know what the tears meant. Skylar seemed to sense the change that was coming. She began acting out more, fighting being left alone, less hungry, fighting sleep more than normal. The last week she slept behind her door or sometimes in front of our closed bedroom door.
September 14, 2007 from Skylar's journal
You left for your weekend visit today. It is hard watching you play knowing your world is about to completely change again. I wish I could keep consistency in your life...
I will never ever forget that our dear friends Mike and Aimee dropped anything they had going on to go camping with us that weekend Skylar went for the visit. It was wonderful to be distracted and nestled in the heart and safety of dear friends. If I never told you both thank you, know forever you helped protect my heart that weekend.
No matter the battles, I was Skylar's momma for a season God felt suitable. I parented her until the minute she left on September 19, 2007 around 10am.
As I finished reading Deuteronomy I can't help but think how heart breaking it must have been for Moses not to go into the promised land. To only see it from afar. To be called to a task and it not finish the way you hoped or thought it would. Lord, make me like Moses- his eyes were on You, always seeing the bigger picture or trusting You to!
I see now that this was a prophetic word from the Lord. Words to spur me on. He knew exactly when I would finish with the book of Deuteronomy and what I would gain from the completed task. I also see that my prayer was a seed that He would soon harvest. In the weeks to come God would allow us to see faint red flags waiving. God granted His all knowing wisdom and discernment and guided us to the right people, the right questions. The case workers involved continued to tell us that rights would be moving towards termination. Our guts seemed to believe the transporters reports. In the end, she was the one to give accurate reports. Skylar's family was meeting all the requirements to allow Skylar back in their home. The state is always for family reunification and trusts its case workers to thoroughly do their job. The information on Skylar had not been updated in roughly 10 months so what we'd been told was accurate for 10 months prior. Somehow that detail had not been shared. So when the transporter told me on September 5, 2007 that a weekend visit would happen (which usually is a "test run" before permanent placement) the following week we knew it would come and it would come quickly.
September 5, 2007 from Skylar's journal
Our prayers will always be with you. May your soul find Jesus. May your influence reach generations of old and new for the glory and kingdom of Jesus Christ.
She brought us tissue when our tears wouldn't stop. It breaks my heart to think that she knew the cycle all too well. Well enough to know what the tears meant. Skylar seemed to sense the change that was coming. She began acting out more, fighting being left alone, less hungry, fighting sleep more than normal. The last week she slept behind her door or sometimes in front of our closed bedroom door.
September 14, 2007 from Skylar's journal
You left for your weekend visit today. It is hard watching you play knowing your world is about to completely change again. I wish I could keep consistency in your life...
I will never ever forget that our dear friends Mike and Aimee dropped anything they had going on to go camping with us that weekend Skylar went for the visit. It was wonderful to be distracted and nestled in the heart and safety of dear friends. If I never told you both thank you, know forever you helped protect my heart that weekend.
No matter the battles, I was Skylar's momma for a season God felt suitable. I parented her until the minute she left on September 19, 2007 around 10am.
My heart, our life, God's plan. part 9
August 1, 2007 from Skylar's journal
Today started your in house evaluation for speech therapy. You are so well mannered and respond so great- I want to squeeze you!
August 4, 2007 from Skylar's journal
Today is your BIG day! Your shower is today! You wore a dress from Mamaw (Keri's g-ma). It was white and green gingham with pink ribbon on it. I LOVE this dress! You took a little while to warm up but I let you have a lick of icing which did the trick! Aunt Crista got you an orange balloon to play with and you never let it go. You ate off of everyone's plate and made sure to steal sausage balls (my favorite) off of daddy and I's plates! As we opened gifts you made your way back to the cake where Uncle Joey caught you sticking your fingers in the icing just like I taught you (opps!). You aren't used to that much sugar, it got you wound up! We were so blessed by the outpouring of blessings from everyone!!!
August 5-7, 2007 from Skylar's journal
We went with daddy to a work conference. We left at 5am which meant you were up for the day. We traveled with another family that has 2 girls ages 6 and 9. You were very interested in them. Once we got there we attempted to nap and then headed to the pool. It had a beach area you preferred as you don't like being in water that is higher than your waist. We went to a family night and roasted marshmallows which you loved! I dowsed you in sunscreen! Being around the girls has increased your babbling-yay!
August 8, 2007 from Skylar's journal
You don't like your big girl bed... We've had you a month and can't imagine life without you!
August 14, 2007 from Skylar's journal
Took you swimming, your lips were turning purple so we took you out, despite your arguments!
The month of August was much more enjoyable. We started to find our groove with Skylar and adapt to one another. It was still hard but peace was more evident despite the challenges we faced.
Today started your in house evaluation for speech therapy. You are so well mannered and respond so great- I want to squeeze you!
August 4, 2007 from Skylar's journal
Today is your BIG day! Your shower is today! You wore a dress from Mamaw (Keri's g-ma). It was white and green gingham with pink ribbon on it. I LOVE this dress! You took a little while to warm up but I let you have a lick of icing which did the trick! Aunt Crista got you an orange balloon to play with and you never let it go. You ate off of everyone's plate and made sure to steal sausage balls (my favorite) off of daddy and I's plates! As we opened gifts you made your way back to the cake where Uncle Joey caught you sticking your fingers in the icing just like I taught you (opps!). You aren't used to that much sugar, it got you wound up! We were so blessed by the outpouring of blessings from everyone!!!
August 5-7, 2007 from Skylar's journal
We went with daddy to a work conference. We left at 5am which meant you were up for the day. We traveled with another family that has 2 girls ages 6 and 9. You were very interested in them. Once we got there we attempted to nap and then headed to the pool. It had a beach area you preferred as you don't like being in water that is higher than your waist. We went to a family night and roasted marshmallows which you loved! I dowsed you in sunscreen! Being around the girls has increased your babbling-yay!
August 8, 2007 from Skylar's journal
You don't like your big girl bed... We've had you a month and can't imagine life without you!
August 14, 2007 from Skylar's journal
Took you swimming, your lips were turning purple so we took you out, despite your arguments!
The month of August was much more enjoyable. We started to find our groove with Skylar and adapt to one another. It was still hard but peace was more evident despite the challenges we faced.
My heart, our life, God's plan. part 8
July 20, 2007
Today is Skylar's first trip to visit her biological family. This is hard.
When we were told about Skylar, Chad and I were told that parental rights had not been terminated but it looked highly probable. Because rights were not terminated Skylar by law was to have a weekly visit with her biological family. As we were introduced to taking her we were informed that her family had not been showing up for the weekly visits. They occurred Friday's from about 9am to 2 pm.
Chad and I soon learned from the transporter that not only were Skylar's parents coming to the visits but also her grandparents. And because of the positive strides Skylar's family had been making they were allowed "off campus" visits. This means that trips to McDonald's were frequent and unchaperoned. Skylar would come back with soda in her sippy cup along with several toys. Chad and I were being her disciplinarians while her weekly visits consisted of fun, food, and freedom.
Week after week Skylar would come back grumpy and not using her words or signs. It would take half the weekend for us to get back in our groove. She was a very timid little girl and rightfully so. She'd been in more homes than Chad had ever lived in at 26.
Today is Skylar's first trip to visit her biological family. This is hard.
When we were told about Skylar, Chad and I were told that parental rights had not been terminated but it looked highly probable. Because rights were not terminated Skylar by law was to have a weekly visit with her biological family. As we were introduced to taking her we were informed that her family had not been showing up for the weekly visits. They occurred Friday's from about 9am to 2 pm.
Chad and I soon learned from the transporter that not only were Skylar's parents coming to the visits but also her grandparents. And because of the positive strides Skylar's family had been making they were allowed "off campus" visits. This means that trips to McDonald's were frequent and unchaperoned. Skylar would come back with soda in her sippy cup along with several toys. Chad and I were being her disciplinarians while her weekly visits consisted of fun, food, and freedom.
Week after week Skylar would come back grumpy and not using her words or signs. It would take half the weekend for us to get back in our groove. She was a very timid little girl and rightfully so. She'd been in more homes than Chad had ever lived in at 26.
My heart, our life, God's plan. part 7
As I read 10 weeks worth of writing I see the struggle. The battle that I was fighting. The lies the enemy was working so hard to prove as truth. I see the fear being planted. I see so much of my confidence being destroyed. A grievance comes over me as I review my heart and ache for how much God must ache when we can't see through the murky water. My heart longed to be joyous in an outwardly joyful season, daily I pleaded with God to break what satan told me was selfishness. I struggle now with how to show you the true story, I long for God to be heard in this story...
July 18, 2007
Be Lord over all of us in this house. Keep Skylar's best interest at heart. Father help me be a great mom-guide me in this process... Family is either checked out or asking "why" when we limit visits with Skylar. I don't want to withhold her Lord, but we are still working on a connection... Jesus, why won't Skylar sleep? God, I want to run away. I am so scared. I feel suffocated. Lord I need you and don't feel like I have time to find you. My heart is so heavy. I don't like who I am.
July 19, 2007
Jesus, I trust You know what You are doing, but I am clueless! Sleeping, teaching-where do I begin? I deel alone but want to be left alone in the same moment. Lord, can I do this forever? Am I cut out for this? I am so overwhelmed and scared. Jesus I need you! Please create in me what you desire. I don't like who I am at times. FATHER MAKE ME AND MOLD ME INTO YOUR DELIGHT JESUS! Consume me. Lighten my heart Lord. Keep Chad and I strong in marriage. I don't like sharing him and I need You to keep us thriving.
It was hard to discern the new tricks satan was using on us. I really questioned if I were supposed to be a mom. Had I heard God wrong? I became very angry and the enemy told me that was the real Keri. That rage was the kind of mom I would be. I couldn't control her and I would never be able to break the longing for control.
July 18, 2007
Be Lord over all of us in this house. Keep Skylar's best interest at heart. Father help me be a great mom-guide me in this process... Family is either checked out or asking "why" when we limit visits with Skylar. I don't want to withhold her Lord, but we are still working on a connection... Jesus, why won't Skylar sleep? God, I want to run away. I am so scared. I feel suffocated. Lord I need you and don't feel like I have time to find you. My heart is so heavy. I don't like who I am.
July 19, 2007
Jesus, I trust You know what You are doing, but I am clueless! Sleeping, teaching-where do I begin? I deel alone but want to be left alone in the same moment. Lord, can I do this forever? Am I cut out for this? I am so overwhelmed and scared. Jesus I need you! Please create in me what you desire. I don't like who I am at times. FATHER MAKE ME AND MOLD ME INTO YOUR DELIGHT JESUS! Consume me. Lighten my heart Lord. Keep Chad and I strong in marriage. I don't like sharing him and I need You to keep us thriving.
It was hard to discern the new tricks satan was using on us. I really questioned if I were supposed to be a mom. Had I heard God wrong? I became very angry and the enemy told me that was the real Keri. That rage was the kind of mom I would be. I couldn't control her and I would never be able to break the longing for control.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
My heart, our life, God's plan. part 6
Skylar came to us on July 13, 2007 around 1:00 pm. She looked just like what I'd assumed- strawberry blond hair, blue eyes, fair skin. The case worker who was assigned to Skylar left within 10 minutes of dropping her. Skylar was very timid. God gave us the wisdom to play with her in her room for hours that first day. I believe that helped her feel comfortable enough to rest there later. She wasn't really talking (using 3 words: dada, momma, and okay) so I started teaching the signs for words. In the beginning if she were hungry she would go and sit at the table. The girl never napped. Much more comfortable with men than women.
I can't say I know what it feels like to birth a child. I don't know what it is like on your body, I can't understand what happens to your emotions. I cannot comprehend what it feels like to bring an infant home. I was always fearful I'd be that new mom that didn't connect with my baby. Remember, I have the benefit of writing this after the fact, but I can tell you that my fears came true when meeting Skylar. Even in the beginning I see now I was disappointed and satan used that to promote guilt and shame.
July 15, 2007
Lord I want what you have in store for me. I am so scared and afraid. Pour down your peace, remove any guilt. I want to be used. Send me Your love and comfort Jesus. May I discern the enemies lies and NOT believe them. Jesus, please consume the panic I have when I remember we have a child. Help me to not overlook the blessing.
I can't say I know what it feels like to birth a child. I don't know what it is like on your body, I can't understand what happens to your emotions. I cannot comprehend what it feels like to bring an infant home. I was always fearful I'd be that new mom that didn't connect with my baby. Remember, I have the benefit of writing this after the fact, but I can tell you that my fears came true when meeting Skylar. Even in the beginning I see now I was disappointed and satan used that to promote guilt and shame.
July 15, 2007
Lord I want what you have in store for me. I am so scared and afraid. Pour down your peace, remove any guilt. I want to be used. Send me Your love and comfort Jesus. May I discern the enemies lies and NOT believe them. Jesus, please consume the panic I have when I remember we have a child. Help me to not overlook the blessing.
My heart, our life, God's plan. part 5
Before I start part 5 I want to thank my dear sister in law, Crista, for always blessing me with beautiful journals. Without your kind heart I would not have something so beautiful to interact with God in. When I think of you friend my heart swells. (Too bad I can't seem to say this in person!)
I want to add also that we had many more confirmations along the way, one being that Chad and I were able to get into a training session last minute to get our foster/adoption certification. They were trying out a new faith based training that made the usual 12 week training session only 4 weeks. Also 2 weeks before a cruise Chad and I had scheduled just in case it were our "last" vacation without kids we were able to get everything complete for our certification. 5/25/07 for fingerprints (that usually take weeks to get, we learned later that cps got them the same day), 5/29/07 fire inspection, 6/4/07 cpr/first aid certification, 6/6/07 home inspection. our homestudy was completed while we were cruising on 6/19/07!
June 27, 2007
Yesterday, June 26, 2007 at around 3:30 pm Chad received a call from cps with a child for us. Her name is Skylar Faith. She is 2 years old, Caucasian. Not up for adoption, but it looks very favorable. Throughout the day I'd been working on names and addresses for Diana/shower info... After talking it over we decided to "sleep on it." Not taking Skylar never crossed my mind. I just wanted to spend some time in prayer and review with Chad. He was on the same page as I was with no reluctance and great peace. I will be calling Elaine to schedule the delivery! For months I've feared this moment. Thinking my desire for a family had dissolved but as I read Chad's message my heart skipped a beat! I became shaky, disoriented, and began to cry. Thank God He answers prayers, He makes dreams come true- even dreams so buried you think you've lost them! Thank you Jesus, you are so amazing, all knowing, giver, taker, fulfiller, incredible! Joyful, fun, playful, wise, strong, gentle, my everything! Wow God you are so good!
June 28, 2007
Lord, your timing is good and perfect. I completely trust You to bring us a child on your schedule. When we re ready and Skylar is ready YOU will join us together.
I want to add also that we had many more confirmations along the way, one being that Chad and I were able to get into a training session last minute to get our foster/adoption certification. They were trying out a new faith based training that made the usual 12 week training session only 4 weeks. Also 2 weeks before a cruise Chad and I had scheduled just in case it were our "last" vacation without kids we were able to get everything complete for our certification. 5/25/07 for fingerprints (that usually take weeks to get, we learned later that cps got them the same day), 5/29/07 fire inspection, 6/4/07 cpr/first aid certification, 6/6/07 home inspection. our homestudy was completed while we were cruising on 6/19/07!
June 27, 2007
Yesterday, June 26, 2007 at around 3:30 pm Chad received a call from cps with a child for us. Her name is Skylar Faith. She is 2 years old, Caucasian. Not up for adoption, but it looks very favorable. Throughout the day I'd been working on names and addresses for Diana/shower info... After talking it over we decided to "sleep on it." Not taking Skylar never crossed my mind. I just wanted to spend some time in prayer and review with Chad. He was on the same page as I was with no reluctance and great peace. I will be calling Elaine to schedule the delivery! For months I've feared this moment. Thinking my desire for a family had dissolved but as I read Chad's message my heart skipped a beat! I became shaky, disoriented, and began to cry. Thank God He answers prayers, He makes dreams come true- even dreams so buried you think you've lost them! Thank you Jesus, you are so amazing, all knowing, giver, taker, fulfiller, incredible! Joyful, fun, playful, wise, strong, gentle, my everything! Wow God you are so good!
June 28, 2007
Lord, your timing is good and perfect. I completely trust You to bring us a child on your schedule. When we re ready and Skylar is ready YOU will join us together.
My heart, our life, God's plan. part 4
exerts from my journal
March 7, 2007
Father, please direct us with the adoption stuff. Lord, what specifications should we put down, if any? I am so anxious to get this process going! I CAN'T WAIT TO BE OBEDIENT TO YOUR CALLING!
March 28, 2007
I long to be obedient. I long to know and hear Your voice frequently. Lord if I were choosing, I would ask for a Hispanic or Caucasian boy age 18 months. Lord you know what we need though and I trust Your judgment over anyone else including mine.
April 4, 2007
Lord prepare our hearts for the child you have for us. May Thursday (cps orientation) be informative and action based. I am ready to get this thing moving but trust YOUR time more than anything else!
April 17, 2007
Lord the outpouring of love and support for the adoption stuff is amazing! Seriously, You are spectacular!
April 30, 2007
Jesus thank you for Your grace! Thank you for growing and teaching me and my trust/belief in You! Grace Chad and I with Your wisdom with the adoption stuff as we get one step closer to it all being real tonight with training.
May 16, 2007
Lord, I could really use Your stabilization of emotions. Jesus, I am not sure what is causing the uncertainty of not wanting children. is it fear?
Fear of: loss of "me time"; sharing Chad; 1 more person to care for; forever
commitment; letting go of dreams; will be defined by kids; making our parents
mistakes; unclean house; having to be the bad parent; loss of freedom; LIFETIME
COMMITMENT
if I were to have gotten pregnant I wouldn't have a choice, now I have to chose to want a baby and I guess I am scared Lord. Jesus, I hand my fears and expectations, my anticipation and apprehension over to You Lord God. --being attacked in a new way--
March 7, 2007
Father, please direct us with the adoption stuff. Lord, what specifications should we put down, if any? I am so anxious to get this process going! I CAN'T WAIT TO BE OBEDIENT TO YOUR CALLING!
March 28, 2007
I long to be obedient. I long to know and hear Your voice frequently. Lord if I were choosing, I would ask for a Hispanic or Caucasian boy age 18 months. Lord you know what we need though and I trust Your judgment over anyone else including mine.
April 4, 2007
Lord prepare our hearts for the child you have for us. May Thursday (cps orientation) be informative and action based. I am ready to get this thing moving but trust YOUR time more than anything else!
April 17, 2007
Lord the outpouring of love and support for the adoption stuff is amazing! Seriously, You are spectacular!
April 30, 2007
Jesus thank you for Your grace! Thank you for growing and teaching me and my trust/belief in You! Grace Chad and I with Your wisdom with the adoption stuff as we get one step closer to it all being real tonight with training.
May 16, 2007
Lord, I could really use Your stabilization of emotions. Jesus, I am not sure what is causing the uncertainty of not wanting children. is it fear?
Fear of: loss of "me time"; sharing Chad; 1 more person to care for; forever
commitment; letting go of dreams; will be defined by kids; making our parents
mistakes; unclean house; having to be the bad parent; loss of freedom; LIFETIME
COMMITMENT
if I were to have gotten pregnant I wouldn't have a choice, now I have to chose to want a baby and I guess I am scared Lord. Jesus, I hand my fears and expectations, my anticipation and apprehension over to You Lord God. --being attacked in a new way--
My heart, our life, God's plan. part 3
exert from my journal on February 28, 2007
Lord, You have called us to take care of orphans. Today I heard your voice so clearly say "adopt." It was so audible that I looked around the living room! I said "excuse me?" And you again said "you need to adopt." Lord, I want to be in Your will so terribly. Father, please guide us. Open doors. I am afraid of what kind of kid you will give us. Though I am fearful I trust you completely. Jesus, I trust you. Please begin guiding Chad and I. May our path be mirrored of Yours! ***NO FEAR CAN CONQUER YOU LORD JESUS!
later that day I am so afraid I heard wrong Lord. Did I make this up? I mean this will change our lives forever. Is this coming from my desire to control or from You? Lord, please, please give me confirmation. Jesus Christ I only want to be in Your will.
This happened on a Wednesday morning. Out of the blue as I sat down for my morning coffee. I immediately called Chad. Unbeknown to me Chad also began asking the Lord for confirmation. I think it is easiest to list out the confirmations we received within 24 hours of hearing God's call.
1. While at Wednesday night church I asked the Lord to remove the back pain as a confirmation I heard Him. He removed the pain.
2. There was open prayer that night at church and we headed towards the front but it was extremely crowded so we moved to the ministers in the back. Chad and I landed with Randy. At that moment I was unsettled emotionally, overwhelmed with tears. Randy told us he had already been praying for us and as I poured out my heart about what I had heard and was now doubting he told us it was not a coincidence that we came to him as he was adopted!
3. As we prayed Alex, a friend from lifegroup approached us. Chad had emailed him because we thought he worked in Fostercare. Chad and I'd already talked in the previous months that if we were to ever adopt it would have to be called by God as it wasn't in our hearts and we wanted to go through the foster system as we were so blessed to have helped our dog Skip after he'd been in a beaten shelter. (God uses the funniest things sometimes!). Alex indeed worked for CPS and knew the ins and outs of everything within the system. (for those not putting it together, we had someone to walk us through a complicated system)
4. Because I am Mrs. Efficient pants we had already inquired and recieved the fostercare paperwork and kept it (the keeping part is the confirmation).
Chad and I were able to have dinner with Alex and his wife to answer all of our questions. What a blessing that was! A touch of God's plan had been shared and it brought joy along with fear. Hope shared with nerves! We made the choice to obey. Our paperwork would be sent in the very next day. Thursday March 1, 2007.
Lord, You have called us to take care of orphans. Today I heard your voice so clearly say "adopt." It was so audible that I looked around the living room! I said "excuse me?" And you again said "you need to adopt." Lord, I want to be in Your will so terribly. Father, please guide us. Open doors. I am afraid of what kind of kid you will give us. Though I am fearful I trust you completely. Jesus, I trust you. Please begin guiding Chad and I. May our path be mirrored of Yours! ***NO FEAR CAN CONQUER YOU LORD JESUS!
later that day I am so afraid I heard wrong Lord. Did I make this up? I mean this will change our lives forever. Is this coming from my desire to control or from You? Lord, please, please give me confirmation. Jesus Christ I only want to be in Your will.
This happened on a Wednesday morning. Out of the blue as I sat down for my morning coffee. I immediately called Chad. Unbeknown to me Chad also began asking the Lord for confirmation. I think it is easiest to list out the confirmations we received within 24 hours of hearing God's call.
1. While at Wednesday night church I asked the Lord to remove the back pain as a confirmation I heard Him. He removed the pain.
2. There was open prayer that night at church and we headed towards the front but it was extremely crowded so we moved to the ministers in the back. Chad and I landed with Randy. At that moment I was unsettled emotionally, overwhelmed with tears. Randy told us he had already been praying for us and as I poured out my heart about what I had heard and was now doubting he told us it was not a coincidence that we came to him as he was adopted!
3. As we prayed Alex, a friend from lifegroup approached us. Chad had emailed him because we thought he worked in Fostercare. Chad and I'd already talked in the previous months that if we were to ever adopt it would have to be called by God as it wasn't in our hearts and we wanted to go through the foster system as we were so blessed to have helped our dog Skip after he'd been in a beaten shelter. (God uses the funniest things sometimes!). Alex indeed worked for CPS and knew the ins and outs of everything within the system. (for those not putting it together, we had someone to walk us through a complicated system)
4. Because I am Mrs. Efficient pants we had already inquired and recieved the fostercare paperwork and kept it (the keeping part is the confirmation).
Chad and I were able to have dinner with Alex and his wife to answer all of our questions. What a blessing that was! A touch of God's plan had been shared and it brought joy along with fear. Hope shared with nerves! We made the choice to obey. Our paperwork would be sent in the very next day. Thursday March 1, 2007.
My heart, our life, God's plan. part 2
Exert from my journal on January 21, 2007
Lord, it hurts. I don't want to play You anymore anywhere in my life. I really don't want to be here Father. I want to crawl back in bed and cry. I don't want to be vulnerable...
Not much for Chad and I has come "easy" per say. I have to fight the desire for life to be fair. Learning that God's best doesn't mean He takes something from ME to give to someone else hasn't set in easily. I am on this side of the journey I write about and it still is tricky learning that! So as I clung to wanting so badly to be faithful, joyful, and trusting during our "trying" times (pun intended) I also fought the flesh. As I watched others around me get pregnant I knew they desired it, but I felt I'd longed for it longer, much harder. I thought that this was going to be my one "easy" thing. The thing I didn't have to fight for, one thing God would just give me. Even as I type I don't ever feel like it was an entitlement I thought I was owed, rather it shows how naive I was on how God blesses.
When God called us back to Abilene it was an opportunity for Chad to go back to an industry he loved, get us out of DFW which wasn't really a lifestyle that either one of us enjoyed, and would put us financially where we needed to be (not totally off a budget but comfortable) for me to stay home. We made the move. We moved on our 5th wedding anniversary, May 26 2006.
For those of you who have longed for a baby you know the heartache that comes when it doesn't happen. I psyched myself up thinking I was pregnant month after month. I longed to persevere with a joyful heart but felt in such great despair. It was hard to hear friends worry about telling me they were pregnant for fear of hurting me. What was worse was how much it did hurt but less out of jealousy and more out of God breaking my desire for control. Try as you might getting yourself pregnant is impossible, it has to be within the Almighty's plan. People would tell us we were "trying too hard" or how we should take our temperature or just let it happen. Can I advise everyone in the world to stop saying that junk. It doesn't make us feel better. It is okay to say nothing.
I can't count the times my day was crushed from seeing only one line on a pregnancy test. How many tears fought back as I smiled my way through a baby shower. The emotions were raw, Chad and I were so fragile. It was a lonely time in our lives. My parents were dealing with their divorce while Chad's parents were dealing with his moms cancer. Chad and I felt abandoned and unloved. God gave us such a passion for children but we felt He wasn't coming through on His end of the bargain. Jeremiah 29:11 reads "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Chad and I had a choice. Choose pity, darkness, heartbreak. Lose hope. Allow anger to set in. OR choose to dig deeper in God's word. Hold to the promises He so clearly gives. Trust in Him. We all have a choice in life. The question is what will we do when the junk comes. It is coming friends. That is why it is so important to plow through and plant the seeds. God will harvest seeds even if the only place He has to work with is a landfield.
Our choice? We began speaking scripture over our lives. Living and speaking as though what had not come into existence would, had. An exert from my journal on February 20, 2007 reads: "I believe Chad and I will have children. My hope is in you Lord. Psalm 20:4 says 'May he give you the desires of your heart and make all your plans succeed.' I trust the Lord knows my heart and its desires and He does not tease me."
Lord, it hurts. I don't want to play You anymore anywhere in my life. I really don't want to be here Father. I want to crawl back in bed and cry. I don't want to be vulnerable...
Not much for Chad and I has come "easy" per say. I have to fight the desire for life to be fair. Learning that God's best doesn't mean He takes something from ME to give to someone else hasn't set in easily. I am on this side of the journey I write about and it still is tricky learning that! So as I clung to wanting so badly to be faithful, joyful, and trusting during our "trying" times (pun intended) I also fought the flesh. As I watched others around me get pregnant I knew they desired it, but I felt I'd longed for it longer, much harder. I thought that this was going to be my one "easy" thing. The thing I didn't have to fight for, one thing God would just give me. Even as I type I don't ever feel like it was an entitlement I thought I was owed, rather it shows how naive I was on how God blesses.
When God called us back to Abilene it was an opportunity for Chad to go back to an industry he loved, get us out of DFW which wasn't really a lifestyle that either one of us enjoyed, and would put us financially where we needed to be (not totally off a budget but comfortable) for me to stay home. We made the move. We moved on our 5th wedding anniversary, May 26 2006.
For those of you who have longed for a baby you know the heartache that comes when it doesn't happen. I psyched myself up thinking I was pregnant month after month. I longed to persevere with a joyful heart but felt in such great despair. It was hard to hear friends worry about telling me they were pregnant for fear of hurting me. What was worse was how much it did hurt but less out of jealousy and more out of God breaking my desire for control. Try as you might getting yourself pregnant is impossible, it has to be within the Almighty's plan. People would tell us we were "trying too hard" or how we should take our temperature or just let it happen. Can I advise everyone in the world to stop saying that junk. It doesn't make us feel better. It is okay to say nothing.
I can't count the times my day was crushed from seeing only one line on a pregnancy test. How many tears fought back as I smiled my way through a baby shower. The emotions were raw, Chad and I were so fragile. It was a lonely time in our lives. My parents were dealing with their divorce while Chad's parents were dealing with his moms cancer. Chad and I felt abandoned and unloved. God gave us such a passion for children but we felt He wasn't coming through on His end of the bargain. Jeremiah 29:11 reads "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Chad and I had a choice. Choose pity, darkness, heartbreak. Lose hope. Allow anger to set in. OR choose to dig deeper in God's word. Hold to the promises He so clearly gives. Trust in Him. We all have a choice in life. The question is what will we do when the junk comes. It is coming friends. That is why it is so important to plow through and plant the seeds. God will harvest seeds even if the only place He has to work with is a landfield.
Our choice? We began speaking scripture over our lives. Living and speaking as though what had not come into existence would, had. An exert from my journal on February 20, 2007 reads: "I believe Chad and I will have children. My hope is in you Lord. Psalm 20:4 says 'May he give you the desires of your heart and make all your plans succeed.' I trust the Lord knows my heart and its desires and He does not tease me."
My heart, our life, God's plan. part 1
exert from my journal January 31, 2007
I've heard Your voice as early as 12 at church camp "you need to be baptized." Speak to me about starting a family Lord. It's Your heart that I crave.
After some prodding and pushing from a few VIP's in my life I am going to share a piece of our lives that while we've been open about but haven't gone into major detail. I'll start from the beginning and work my way through it...
I am uncertain of when the idea of having children was birthed in me. Growing up I remember my dad saying how important it is to have the mom stay at home. Also while growing up I wanted to be a business woman that had some very important job, wore suits (brown of course), and most importantly lived independently. I never moved past that dream onto where a husband or a family might fit in. I guess it was falling for Chad that changed my dreams. I'd always been interested in boys, but never before had I wanted to toss everything aside to tend to a boy. I'd been the one wanting the tending too. In March of 2000 while sitting on Chad's lap after dancing with my sorority formal I heard God whisper "take care of this one." Looking back it wasn't just a warning for me to not go smooching other boys, but it was God showing me what would bring me the most joy in life and delight Jesus most.
Even while I finished school and started my "career" my heart was so unsettled. At first guilt took over but I soon learned that I was not lazy I just longed to be taking care of Chad and making a home. Along the way my heart would melt as I saw Chad interact with children and before I knew it I ached for babies. It was a long journey for Chad and I. From the time we met we agreed with what my dad had said and wanted me to be home raising our kids. We decided we would hold off on our desires until things worked out financially . People say not to wait until you have enough money as you never will, but when talking to two math nerds that run numbers in their sleep it had to make budget sense on paper especially if it meant me not working. The years I spent working literally hurt. I worked at a good attitude, but all the while my spirit felt out of line with its calling.
I've heard Your voice as early as 12 at church camp "you need to be baptized." Speak to me about starting a family Lord. It's Your heart that I crave.
After some prodding and pushing from a few VIP's in my life I am going to share a piece of our lives that while we've been open about but haven't gone into major detail. I'll start from the beginning and work my way through it...
I am uncertain of when the idea of having children was birthed in me. Growing up I remember my dad saying how important it is to have the mom stay at home. Also while growing up I wanted to be a business woman that had some very important job, wore suits (brown of course), and most importantly lived independently. I never moved past that dream onto where a husband or a family might fit in. I guess it was falling for Chad that changed my dreams. I'd always been interested in boys, but never before had I wanted to toss everything aside to tend to a boy. I'd been the one wanting the tending too. In March of 2000 while sitting on Chad's lap after dancing with my sorority formal I heard God whisper "take care of this one." Looking back it wasn't just a warning for me to not go smooching other boys, but it was God showing me what would bring me the most joy in life and delight Jesus most.
Even while I finished school and started my "career" my heart was so unsettled. At first guilt took over but I soon learned that I was not lazy I just longed to be taking care of Chad and making a home. Along the way my heart would melt as I saw Chad interact with children and before I knew it I ached for babies. It was a long journey for Chad and I. From the time we met we agreed with what my dad had said and wanted me to be home raising our kids. We decided we would hold off on our desires until things worked out financially . People say not to wait until you have enough money as you never will, but when talking to two math nerds that run numbers in their sleep it had to make budget sense on paper especially if it meant me not working. The years I spent working literally hurt. I worked at a good attitude, but all the while my spirit felt out of line with its calling.
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